5. Why I Am A Christian: Part One
5/16/21
Hi there,
A blog has never taken me this long. I’ve fallen off of the weekly wagon a few times since quarantine began but never to this extent.
I know that spiritual warfare is a weird and often times scary/uncomfortable topic, but as I examine my life in these last few months while I struggled to write this specific blog, I have noticed a few things that I can’t ignore:
With the exception of the first week of January, I spent the entire month in crippling pain. I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat, I felt like I could barely breathe most of the time. And the only thing that seemed to help was Motrin which I was not allowed to take for two weeks prior to my gallbladder removal on January 26th. I will not lie, I took it a few times anyway even knowing I was not supposed to. That’s just how much pain I was in.
I had surgery and was sent home that same evening. At first, I was hopeful that the years I’d spent suffering would simply just end. I was trying to ignore the soft voice of God who warned me to brace myself beforehand. I told myself that I was hearing Him wrong, but I wasn’t. Still, I published part one of this series two days after surgery…
Every single time I’d sit down to write, I would find my hands shaking, myself unable to breathe properly, often sobbing, and overwhelmed with countless emotions: all things that have never been so intense before when I write. It made creating this series an extremely draining ordeal that was near impossible to do on top of my recovery.
Before long after my surgery, I realized I was not feeling better. It did open the door to several other complications that have since turned out to take much more time to sort through than I imagined they would.
Almost every single day since January, I have been in pain. Often, I have been trapped on the couch in my living room in silence because I can’t even bear to listen to a tv show in the background. I have canceled as many plans as I’ve made and nearly canceled almost every single one that I’ve been able to hold down.
This is simply a brief overview of the struggles I have faced lately and will likely unpack more of in future blogs as I am able to. But today I am writing through the kind of pain that makes me cry and twist and turn without much reprieve.
You may ask - what does any of this have to do with why I believe in Jesus Christ, the risen and living Savior of my soul? Reading back thus far, it sounds more like a list of reasons to not believe in a God who would allow such tremendous pain to ail me right at the pinnacle of my quest to bring Him glory and honor. And so I will attempt to explain why my suffering has led me to this day right here and now, where I am standing in His spiritual boldness even though physically, I cannot stand…
I began the drive to church this morning feeling that horribly familiar pain in my stomach growing worse and worse. I debated turning around from the moment I pulled my car out of the driveway, but I am very stubborn. I kept praying, asking God to give me reprieve simply for this one hour… Just one hour for the purpose of giving Him my full attention without the distraction of suffering. I experienced the opposite of relief, which has been the consistent answer to my prayers lately. But today, I was feeling a little more desperate than usual and thus unleashed some very honest questions I had, “Why me, God? Why now? I just want to live. I haven’t been able to. What are you trying to teach me through this? I need to understand why this is happening and if it will ever end! Can’t I just have this one morning so that I can be present while I worship you?” And while God felt present, He was still very quiet at that time.
I am sure I didn’t sound that polite as I was praying, but even still I hate praying like that. I hate praying things that feel small and centered around questions that I already know the answers to most of the time. I am the sort of person who can tell you all of the “right” answers, but struggles to allow myself any grace when I am hurting. But I am also learning in a very tangible way that my God is a God who sits in pain with me and loves me, even in my more frustrated moments. If anything, He is a God who rejoices when I hand over every complicated feeling to Him rather than trying to take it up on my own.
And so I stood through worship and tried to hide the waves of pain from my face. I kept battling myself over whether to just walk out and go home, whether to sit down even though I would be the only one in the entire church sitting, or whether to just keep toughing it out. I chose to keep toughing it out even though I was in the same exact sort of pain that sent me to the hospital for a second time back in March.
After a little while, the waves of it calmed just enough to where I could make it through the sermon even though I was by no means comfortable. And it was as the pastor was preaching that God revealed something to me: He needed me to hear that lesson through the lens of my physical pain.
Here is the link in case you’d like to hear it
In essence, I discovered that I have been taking every small victory in my health and sprinting a mile with it when I should just be keeping pace and going steady. I may never live life the way that I once used to, or maybe I will. But God showed me today that my pain is not without purpose. Even something as seemingly small as that shift for me makes a world of difference- it is a small seed amongst hundreds of other small seeds that God has been sewing in me over the course of my lifetime.
While my physical pain has been more significant lately than it has ever been before, God has me in the middle of several other transitions and valleys at the moment as well. Maybe that is you right now, too.
All I know for sure is that the God I know desires to fully know me and have a relationship with me. I serve a God that serves me in countless more ways than I could ever dream of returning. I love a God that loves me without anger, jealousy, hatred, malice, manipulation, or ulterior motives; a God that not only saved my life before I ever came to be, but continues to be woven through every part of my story as I am living.
Why am I a Christian? Why don’t I subscribe to another religion or to the mere idea of spirituality without any other strings attached? Oh man, I could go on for days as to why I have planted my feet with Jesus. But in short, I think of this visual:
Imagine you are standing at the bottom of a rather large mountain, the mountain representing life. Everyone aims to reach the top of it; the pinnacle of your existence and your purpose, a job well done. Now, from my studies of religious systems and beliefs, I have found that all of them take the approach of handing you a road map. You get a list of rules, practices, ideas, and suggestions that aim to help you figure it out as you go. But Jesus Christ is the only God that says, “No, you don’t have to do this alone! In fact, you can’t. And so I will not only give my life to save yours, but I will be intimately involved in the entirety of your existence. I will do life with you, every step of the way. I don’t expect you to do it perfectly, I just want for you to never do it alone. And all I ask is that you accept this invitation and let me in.”
Now: this is in no way, shape, or form intended to disrespect anyone who believes differently than I do. And if you disagree with my statement above, please message me because I would love to hear about your beliefs. But as I have mentioned in blogs before, truth is exclusive in nature which means that not every statement I make can be all inclusive. That isn’t to say that other belief systems are inherantly evil or bad, just that they are not mine like mine may not be yours. And that is something we can hash out together privately if you would like to share perspectives.
For me, the concept of a creator who crafted human beings to be co-creators with Him frames the way I see mankind functioning within the world better than any other system I’ve come across. It is also more inviting than the many early religions that viewed human kind as lowly servants to multiple Gods and as having no truly significant purpose.
I look around and see my fellow human beings concerned with things like justice, equality, the environment, freedom, peace, fairness, love, community, health, service, art, and creating. We often reflect the heart of God without even being truly aware of it. And that for me is what constantly affirms the love that I have for Jesus. He is quite frankly the very best friend I have ever and will ever have.
I have a bunch more to say, but you will have to forgive me for creating a part two to part five of this series. I just needed to get that out of my system before I start trying to get back into the rhythm of blogging again.
Thank you, as always, for sticking with me. I am living and learning right alongside all of you and that requires a ton of grace. So know that I appreciate and love you dearly!
Till next Sunday,
-Lexi Cummings
Clingmans Dome. May 1st, 2021