How To Carry Yourself When You’re The Target Of Hate
6/5/21
Hello!
This week I am going to dig into a topic that many friends have discussed with me over the years. People talk and it isn’t hard to spread lies, rumors, or bring others down around you. Someone’s character says a lot about them but what they speak says just as much if not more.
What I am hoping to accomplish today is providing you with easy tools that will help you decipher the words that deserve weight in your thoughts and those that you should probably take with a grain of salt. As well as what to do when someone comes after you on a personal level. So, let’s get started!
Have you ever found yourself on the other side of a relationship with someone, whether it be romantic or platonic, only to hear whispers from every which corner regarding their version of events? Or even while you think you are on good terms with someone, hearing what they are really saying about you behind your back? I am willing to bet that we have all been in a place where words have hurt us and vice versa.
One of the best quotes I’ve seen lately floating around on the internet is this: “Some people talk about you because they lost the privilege of talking to you.” And this is so true - even in situations where the people actively in your life are spreading lies about you. The thing is, it always comes to light at some point. Even if you never catch them in the act, it begins to seep into their presence and you just know in your gut that this person is no longer a safe place. Sooner than later, that relationship ends.
So - what do we do? What if we are a second or third party to conversations that are anything but edifying? What do we do if we end up being the direct target of a smear campaign? Well, here are some things to look out for if you’re on the outside of the situation:
Are they saying things regarding a persons physical appearance, mannerisms, traits, or things that they can’t control?
For example, “He chews so loudly, it’s disgusting.” or “It looks like she hasn’t washed her hair in a week. And has she gained weight also?”
Is this person speaking in solely negative terms? Are they speaking with any sense of humility or consideration? Are they being hateful and are they seemingly more emotionally invested than the situation calls for? They may also talk about this other person obsessively. Sometimes for days, weeks, or even years. They will also dish out personal details and things that you know aren’t relevant for your ears to hear as a third party.
Who is the person talking? Do you see their life and see someone you’d like to be? Do they have healthy relationships or is this someone who has a reputation scattered with many burned bridges or general drama? Is this a person that seems overall to be happy, well-rounded, grounded, and fair? If not, I can nearly guarantee you that their intentions in telling you whatever they are saying is only to hurt the person they are talking about.
Here are some things to do when you find yourself a personal target of hatred and lies:
It will hurt, but don’t give it the time of day.
I have been in this boat before as I am sure you have as well. I have also fallen into the temptation of defending myself, posting content on social media that is pretty obviously directed at the other person, such and so on. But this behavior is rewarding the one against you! Because they can’t directly control your life anymore, they want to do whatever they can to affirm that they can still have an effect on you. If you give in and react, it rewards them and ultimately hurts you more. It also keeps the fire burning. Let them keep tossing wood on the flames if they so desire but do NOT help them by doing the same.
When I step back in situations like this, I have discovered the best method of action is to block it out and trust that the friends who are really for me know my character. Only those that were never really true friends of mine in the first place end up taking the opposing side. So in a way, it’s a blessing in disguise. Your circle might get smaller for a while, but the people who are genuinely around for your best interest will stick by you.
If you’re tempted to @ on media, delete your apps for as long as you need and highly consider blocking the other person. Don’t be afraid to also block their friends who report back to them if you need to. This will only start drama if the people you blocked are angry that they lost access to you, in which case, you were right to cut them off.
Avoid situations where the other party can corner and try to break you in person but when you can’t, be kind and get away as soon as you can. They want to see you react. This is the one thing you absolutely must refuse giving them. You won’t do this perfectly, but make it a goal to really try.
This isn’t exactly fair to you, but if the situation is poor enough, avoid them as much as humanly possible. Don’t go to that party they’ll be at. Don’t go hang around their friends if they weren’t in your life beforehand or go to places they tend to go if you can help it. And I don’t say this to encourage a mindset of fear, but there are just some people who will not respect your boundaries. You may have to see them at school or work still, but that is already more than enough unwanted exposure. This person is against you and they want to continue hurting you even if you have cut them out. So limit their access to you as much as you can. If they keep pushing past this point continuously, you are likely not dealing with someone who has the full ability to reason. Tread cautiously and consider documenting any attempts of theirs to reach you.
Be the person that you are, with the character that you have, and move along. Situations like that cannot follow you forever. Things will die down, people will come and go, your path will start crossing with new communities and places and opportunities. Don’t feed into the drama because then, you will be playing a part in perpetuating it.
However, this doesn’t mean you have to lie or evade conversations entirely. If someone approaches you and wants to know your perspective, be careful of who you share it with, but speak truth. You can tell people what actually happened in a situation if you have taken the time to reflect and be fair to both perspectives.
People don’t have an innate right to know your business. But in situations where the one trying to hurt you has gone around to anyone with ears, you are allowed to set the story straight. There is a huge difference between lies/gossip and speaking the truth in response to them.
Unfortunately, all of us will experience poor relationships and bad fallouts at some point if you haven’t already. Whether it be family, friends, romantic partners, or all of the above, no one will get out of this life without relational blemish. This doesn’t mean to settle for poor treatment or intentionally invite it into your life, but it does mean to have some grace with yourself when things fall apart. Even if you have a hand in the mess sometimes, I encourage you to be kind to yourself. Don’t blow past the issue and into the next chapter of your life without evaluating the situation and working on yourself, but know that we are imperfect people and all we can really do is keep growing.
None of us will do this stuff right. We will get sucked into gossip, we will get jealous of people and root against them, we will give in to hurts and react. We are messy. And honestly, I am constantly convicted about the ways I speak of and evaluate others around me. I am absolutely far from perfect here, but I am also extremely aware of myself because of the regenerative work of Christ in my heart.
If you let Jesus into your messy mind and soul, he will lovingly make you aware of the areas in your life that actually suck the life out of you. Being involved in hate, whether you started it or not, is one of these areas. But I have found over my lifetime of pursuing a relationship with God that I am better equipped every time I face these situations. I have patience, kindness, and a grounding sense of reality amidst the chaos that I would not be able to sustain on my merit alone. This doesn’t mean I will ever get things 100% right, but life has brought me to a place where I can speak on this topic knowing that I have not only taken my own advice, but applied it and witnessed the fruits of it whether they be immediate or years following.
I love you all and would love to talk to you about any of this personally, just message me! Your stories and experiences are so encouraging to my heart. Have an awesome week!
See you next Sunday,
-Lexi Cummings
