The Struggles of Conversation
2/22/20
Hi everyone!
I am finding more and more that conversation is hard. I am guilty of not listening, inserting my experiences when I should just try to understand someone else’s, not being present in the moment because I am elsewhere in my mind. It’s easy to talk about yourself because you know yourself, but not easy to truly comprehend others and to sit still while doing it.
It is even more complicated in conflicts… If you’ve hurt someone and know it, you don’t really wanna hear their reply. You may want to apologize, but you don’t really want to know the depths of how you made them feel even if it can help you to grow and maybe not repeat the mistake next time. It is also a bit of a self defense tactic because our ego’s are fragile and easily shattered. Sad times.
I’ve found myself watching lots of Ted Talks this week and reading lots of poetry on my phone because the social media apps are still deleted. It has been an eye opening experience and frustrating one at the same time. I am fed up with myself as well as some of the people I am closest to in the world or used to be closest to when it comes to conversation. It is easy to abuse it for your own benefit; springing an important topic on someone in a public place for example. It is not a space to have real conversation, show real emotions, or be vulnerable. It is like placing someone in a box before the conversation has even begun.
It is easy to show up to a conversation planning to get something out of it and only hearing what you need to justify your stance. We use conversation to get what we want whether it be forgiveness, affirmation, a romantic encounter, etc. My main point is we use conversation selfishly. We make it about us.
When I am asked what romantic love looks like, I have found that the answer I give is mutual servitude; if you lay yourself down before another person and they do the same thing, both needs are served. And guess what? Conversation is the same way!!! If we enter it in such a way that both parties intend to serve the other, put them first, and honor them, then both sides are heard correctly without a personal skew.
I am aware that on this platform, there is not discussion. It is me talking at you with my opinions. It is probably my least favorite part of this endeavor. I would so much rather sit down one-on-one with someone and talk about life. Which I often do in my free time! But still, it doesn’t change the fact that in order to reach more people, every conversation I publish is one sided.
My hope, however, is that my blogs facilitate conversation amongst readers and their friends/family. I hope to give you all something to ponder, not more information to shove down your throat. We have enough of that going around already. So please hold me accountable in that; my aim is to not be preachy or overbearing, just honest. I want to bring topics to the surface and get you thinking about them no matter the conclusion you come to. And so here is my challenge to you this week:
Listen. Enter every conversation you have prepared to hear the person you are talking to deeply.
Be present. Be where your feet are. Take the extra effort to re-focus when you get distracted during your conversations. No phones, no wondering thoughts.
Find three people you either don’t agree with or would like to know better. Make a plan to grab coffee with them and approach it with the posture of wanting to learn.
Don’t be selfish. Don’t manipulate words or a situation to benefit your agenda. And honestly? Throw your agenda out the window. It isn’t helping you even if you think it is. There is more for you when you serve and you don’t want to settle for less than what is actually in store.
Remember: conversation is not easy. You will mess it up. And you need to give yourself grace in the mess because you will never get it completely right. And sometimes, “right” is blurry. That’s okay because ultimately, it is about the posture of your heart and not about your performance.
I could ramble on but I think I have gotten enough of the topic across that all of you can expand from here. So put others first and see what magic happens in your life! We all have stories, we all have feelings, we all have perspective. We all know something that someone else does not whether it be a statistical fact or a personal story; so come to learn!
I love you guys, reach out to me if you ever feel like I have sold something short or said anything offensive. I am here to serve all of you the very best I can. :)
See you next week,
Lexi Cummings