Why you can't decide to wake up and be a different person when it is convenient
4/18/20
Hi dear friends :)
I did a lot of soul searching to narrow down exactly what I wanted to talk about this week- I have been in the midst of some internal battles over whether or not to continue blogging on a regular basis. But I knew I would hit some walls when I dedicated myself to this journey and so I am pushing onward!
This week, I have gone through several ranges of emotion and been inspired on a number of topics, but decided to settle on this one in particular: The best things in life require work, dedication, and discipline before they will ever be yours.
What do I mean by this? Here are a few scenarios…
If you don’t workout, you will not wake up tomorrow able to do 50 push ups or run a marathon without collapsing.
If you don’t do your homework or show up to your classes, you will likely not end up with a diploma.
If you don’t study a new language, you will not wake up tomorrow able to speak it.
Basically, some things don’t happen overnight. A whole bunch of your biggest accomplishments and most valued possessions take years to earn. The discipline that accompanies true fitness will take years to cement. A college degree takes most people four years. A foreign language can take months to years to truly master.
I purposely picked statements just now that most of us can agree on, or at least agree on the principle of- but, because I am a largely relational human being, I am taking it a step further. And so I am going to go out on a limb here and say that the same principle applies to your relationships with other human beings. Especially, romantic ones.
So let’s dive right in. :)
There are obviously some things in this life that you can’t choose.
Where you were born.
Who you were born to.
What you look like.
What your base personality is.
But luckily, there are even more things that you can choose!
How you treat other people.
What you believe in.
Where you spend your time.
Who you pour energy into.
Your spouse and friends.
The way you love.
These are just to name a few so you get the idea! None of us can help where we come from, but I like to think that most of us are capable of choosing the person we want to be one day when we grow up. Obviously, there are situations dealing with trauma or mental/physical disadvantages that can prove to be roadblocks or limit your options. For myself, I will likely not become a basketball star. One reason being that female athletes are not as popular to watch and secondly, I am not physically capable of the demands on my body that it would require. And that is okay! We all have situations like that. Some of us want to be singers but are tone deaf, some of us want to be dancers but have two left feet.
Now, how does this apply to relationships with other people?!
I would like to tell you my philosophy thus far from the life I have lived- I aim for the people I want in my life by living out the standards I’d like to see them living by as well. This is NOT to say that I am not friends with people from any walk of life or mental space, just that in my closest circle I try to keep people who I look up to and who hold me accountable. I want people that constantly encourage me to grow and become a better version of myself.
Let’s face it- we are greatly influenced by those we are most near. That isn’t always something we can choose in all circumstances, but it is something we still have ultimate control over most of the time as adults. We choose the friends we spend time with, we choose who we date, we choose the places and crowds we run with.
This idea is one that has been battle tested in my life, and so I speak from a place of having seen the positives and negatives that go into it. I have lived in a “forward” mindset, imagining that my decisions now would either help me or hurt me one day in the future. But for a long time, I didn’t understand what the opposite side looked like. Or that just because I try to do right by other people doesn’t mean I will never get hurt. And now I do.
A big example of this for me is whoever I may potentially marry one day- I made a commitment to myself at a very young age to take love seriously, to respect myself, to be picky. I decided to do everything in my power to save my heart and body for this person I would love forever. I did this not because I feared judgement, knowing the double standards already against me, nor to look down on others who decided to do differently than I did. I didn’t do it to hold it against whoever I end up with if they hadn’t chosen as I had- No, I made this decision because I wanted to be able to give them something from myself that only they would ever receive.
Let me tell you, this scares the hell out of me. It really does. Half of every marriage ends in divorce. Many people date for years before a proposal, let alone a marriage. The room in there for a lapse in my judgement is pretty large and even worse, I could do “everything right” and find someone who takes a vow but still leaves me down the road. But that is the risk I am willing to take for the slim chance that forever could really mean forever and that my first could be my last.
I don’t know about you, but that entire concept gives me anxiety. I understand why people get everything out of the way as soon as they can or just don’t put as much pressure on it. I do not pass any blame or judgement, I am nearly envious. But my hope is that one day I will find someone who knew they needed to love themselves first, who did the hard work of discovering themselves, and who prayed for me long before they ever knew me. Just as I have and will continue to do for them.
As painful as the “do it right” side of things can potentially turn out, what is on the opposite side of this coin? Let me tell you, it may be even worse…
I have been through and witnessed situations like the one I am going to describe, so hear me out:
Imagine you live for yourself, for your desires. You are someone who can easily charm your way into whatever you want and do so indulgently. There are deep scars within you that are masked with temporary pleasures, there are bridges you have burned and people you have broken that you never reconciled. You sway from party to party, this one night stand to the next. You know exactly what you hope to find in your future spouse but aren’t living in the way that you would expect them to be. You assume that you have no reason to until you actually meet them, therefore, expecting their mere presence to be the thing that changes you. You think that your signal to “get it together” is at their entrance into your life.
We have all seen rom coms and love stories like this- where the spotless female comes along and the rough-around-the-edges-bad-boy does a painful 360 degree spin to become the man she deserves to be with (Yes, it can be the other way around as well. I am just talking typical media). I am not saying that stories like this are impossible, but I am going to say that they are not likely. In fact, they are very dangerous to buy into. What you will actually find by settling for a partner who is not where you are is disappointment and heartbreak.
If someone does not do the leg work to inherit what you have to offer them, they will not be able to give it back to you. Your loyalty, dedication, discipline, kindness, won’t be enough. A person can only be motivated by their feelings for so long before it wears off and they become exactly who they were before you appeared.
Still- I know that for me, I would rather be the person who gave it my all, who loved fiercely and fully and still lost. I would much rather be that person than the one who realizes I lost a forever kind of partner because I wasn’t ready and fooled myself into thinking I was.
The truth is, you will encounter men/women who raise the bar for you and what you thought you could feel, what you thought was possible to find. But if you think you can step out of yourself and into the person they deserve overnight, you are sadly mistaken.
If you do find yourself in a space where the love of your life waltzes in the door tomorrow before you have raised the bar for yourself, I advise you to be very honest and upfront about it. Tell them you are not in a place that will honor them because you have not honored your own heart just yet. Because deep down, you know that you cannot love someone when you indulge in your brokenness rather than fight for healing. You cannot love someone when you barely love yourself.
If you miss the opportunity to be with them, so be it. Now go work on yourself and trust that the right thing will find its way to you in the future. If they are willing to be patient while you get through things, great! It may work or it may not, but at least you respected them enough to not mislead them into a love you are not yet ready for. If you don’t burn the bridge, you may be able to revisit it again one day. But you lose that chance when you jump in too soon for fear of letting it pass you by. You may cause damage to the connection that you cannot repair.
In summary, some people exist to help pull you out of the gutter and get you back on your feet. But not romantic partners. Some people you get to choose, some people you are born to. Sometimes, you can love fully and fearlessly and still end up broken. But trust me, it is better to be that person than the one who does the breaking.
You can’t become a doctor overnight, you can’t get elected without a campaign, you can’t become the boss until you’ve been the intern, you can’t become the person you want to be by just waking up tomorrow morning. Take small steps each day; discover where you are hurting and why, create spaces for healing, speak words of life over your future, and raise the bar for yourself. Choose friends wisely, hobbies wisely, and habits wisely. Because you deserve the very best. You deserve a forever kind of love.
Till next Sunday,
Lexi Cummings
