Heart over Mind

4/1/20

Hello :) I hope that all of you are staying happy and healthy as well as your loved ones!

Today, I am starting off with something a bit more vulnerable than my usual- it is a section from one of my thought journals. For those of you who don’t know, I am a big believer in writing lists, mission statements, goals, and more. I have sections in my notes app where I keep track of these things and found myself this morning in my “Thought'/Poems” tab writing at leisure. But I felt like it was something I needed to share and expound upon for you today. So here goes:

“ People always say that your mind knows but your heart holds on anyway. In my experience, it’s the other way around... My heart always knows the truth. My mind is always the thing in denial, the thing rationalizing the mess and creating an avenue to destruction. But when I sit down to write a song or a poem, the truth pours out. I’ve predicted the ending of many relationships without even trying. I have predicted future blessings before they have come.

I allow myself to slip into a state of honesty when I am creating art; I allow for truth to be first by going directly to my heart with no other filters beforehand. And if anything, that is the only reason my mind begins to listen and stop pushing it down. And even then, will still choose denial sometimes.

My heart knows well before my mind does and it always has. My mind creates complexities and excuses whereas my heart is black and white. Right and wrong. Yes and no. We beg for simplicity and yet, ignore the one thing inside of us that provides it. When you think about it, we all neglect our hearts. We all think our mind is dominant and more valuable to us as we go through life because that is what the world says. And then, we forget how to even listen to our hearts. We make them out to be invalid when, truly, our hearts are the closest thing we have to our sense of intuition and faith in God. Ones mind is far removed from those essential things just as your skull is farther from your toes than your ankles are. 

If it weren’t for art, I would ignore my heart in entirety. I am blessed to have an avenue that it can pour from. Otherwise, I’d be a shell of a human being with the way my mind attempts to function on its own. 

Lexi- Allow your hearts to speak. Learn how to listen to it. And protect it above all things.’’

4/1/20 LGC

I feel like I know so many things fully and truly in my heart that my mind refuses to completely register. This rant above for one; I didn’t actually discover how to articulate this idea until I woke up this morning. I barely knew that it was my belief deep down. And when I have a breakthrough moment such as that, I have learned to then think on what is going on around me, my last actions or thoughts before I had the realization. And what did I genuinely do last night for the first time in a while?

I prayed. I truly prayed.

For me, I feel like there is a constant cloud of fuzz in my mind when I try to speak to the Lord. It began three years ago. I can remember the handful of distinct moments since when the static let up and I felt myself in the same space as God, but I am saddened that I can count them. While I haven’t been completely without His presence by any means since this struggle began for me, I have noticed that I am not re-focusing my heart in the way that I want to be as I grow older. I put my mind lenses on, buckle up, and carry on doing whatever my wisdom tells me. But God asks me to put on my heart lenses and trust Him; which I fail to do so often that I barely can tell the difference anymore.

Last night, I felt like I needed to keep seeking and so I didn’t give up like I normally do. I knew I needed to shift my heart to where I wasn’t hiding behind a wall from the One who crafted my heart and continues to love me. I realized that I was doing something I often do: trying to earn God’s love, trying to be a perfect human being. I was worshipping worldly knowledge and put-togetherness over accepting myself exactly where I am just as Jesus does.

And so, I found myself diving deep into prayer for my heart as well as those who have come against me. I found that love can defuse hate in a way I didn’t know I believed in anymore. I discovered past sins that I still carry guilt over. I was also reminded about the innocence of children. Which at the time, seemed extremely random to me. I was in the middle of praying for things that felt completely unrelated to that.

This morning, the picture came together in full. God was revealing to me exactly what I shared above by reminding me of the only time in my existence when I truly lived by my heart rather than my mind: When I was a child.

What does this mean? Well, we can all learn a few things by being around children. The brute honesty, the anger they can’t hide, the genuine love, the fearlessness to feel deeply and quickly. In summary, we are born living by our hearts and the mind comes as a secondary. I have felt like the older I grow, the more my mind becomes a tool that is being fashioned both to be against me and to aid me.

My mind controls impulses that would carry me deep into trouble, but it also takes my anger and pain and locks it deep down in unhealthy places. My mind tells me to slow down, to be cautious of things like love and connection. But it also throws roadblocks in the way of beneficial relationships sometimes while letting the wrong ones through. My wisdom is faulty, basically.

The point is- your mind is something you need. It is something that you must develop and challenge and lean into. But it is not something to get caught up in either.

I find often that I cover my heart because it is messy and I hate messes. I hate jealousy and anger, I hate overflowing with joy and falling in love. Sometimes, yes, it is good to use my mind before I speak or act. But the “manners” we have learned in our culture can also be restrictive and un-beneficial. When we grow up, men are taught to hide their hearts in different ways than women are taught to hide theirs. But at the end of the day, we are all taught to hide in some way/shape/form from ourselves. We keep the mess inside, we make decisions based out of what we think is correct when really, it is just what we were trained to think by our cultures.

I remember countless moments as a child falling on my face socially and learning by trial and error what would and wouldn’t be accepted of me. And being the perfectionist that I am, I have crafted the way I present myself now. I can read most rooms and most people and act accordingly. I barely remember who I used to be before I learned what I should be.

With that being said… Not all that I have learned to be is bad by ANY MEANS. But still, not all of it is good either. I have found God challenging me in this last week to evaluate the good that has been instilled in me and the bad; I am finding what qualities and people I should continue to pursue and those that I should not.

Therefore, I challenge you- what does your heart say? Is the relationship you’re in making you grow? Making you a better person? Is the job you’re in satisfying your soul? Providing you with a supportive community? Do you even know why you chose the path you are on? If so, what influenced you? Do you do and wear and post the things that you want to? Or things that you think you should? Where do you seek your approval from?

At the end of the day, we put restrictions on ourselves. We assume based off of past experiences what will and won’t be received by others. We crumble ourselves before anyone else ever can. I tell you, be bold and be brave in who God created you to be. Judge yourself by His book, not by the world around you. Spend time discovering the joy, fullness, curiosity, and timelessness that Jesus gifted children with. Bring yourself back down to earth in the midst of these trying times.

13 Then people brought little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked them.

14 Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” 

- Matthew 19:13-15

See you next Sunday :)

-Lexi Cummings

My final Phi Nu composite photo :)