How To Make A Relationship Last!
10/2/20
Hey everybody!
This week's topic was suggested by a friend from Instagram and really got me thinking. Honestly, I don’t know how I haven’t written on this topic before now. Haha. And while we are here, happy one year to my blog!!! Thank you all for supporting me on this journey. It means the world. 😊
Now, let's dig in!
First, we want to make sure that the relationship you are engaging in is worth keeping. I have been guilty myself of working way too hard to hold onto people that were bad for me in the past, so I know how easy it is to miss the red flags. Here are some questions to reflect on that will hopefully help you! Feel free to copy and paste these somewhere else and fill in your initial gut responses.
Do their words match their actions?
How do you feel when you are around them? At peace, worried, happy, safe, sad?
How do you feel when you aren’t around them? Is your life full when they are not there? Do you feel a sense of co-dependency or like you are walking on eggshells in their absence?
Do you trust them to talk well about you when you are not there? (Yes or no, gut reaction only. Don’t overthink this one and trust your intuition.)
Do you feel seen, valued, known, and respected? If not, how do you feel instead?
If you had 100% and had to divide it between the two of you according to effort, what would the scores look like? Is it even or skewed in one direction?
Do they apologize when they are wrong? Or do they justify, deflect, or redirect the blame?
Do they listen to you? Are they genuinely interested in learning about you, asking how your day was, and supporting you?
Can you picture a future with them in it? (Yes or no, gut reaction only.)
How loyal and kind are they to not only you, but to the other people they say they love?
I am sure there are other helpful things to consider, but this is just a quick list to get you started! I would say that these questions apply to just about any sort of relationship, whether it be friendly or romantic. It is impossible to see someone's intentions, but time and actions will usually reveal them. So be very honest with yourself as you consider whatever person or people come to your mind!
Next, we are going to get into a few tips on keeping a relationship around. But more so than that, making sure it is healthy, growing, and beneficial to all parties involved. And before we continue, I will just remind you all that I am a 22-year-old recent college graduate with a heavy interest in psychology, but no actual qualifications. Lol. I speak from my personal research and experience, but I would recommend counseling with a licensed therapist if you are having true difficulty navigating a relationship. This blog is more so intended to get you thinking. I hope it is helpful for individuals thinking about how to better navigate future relationships or about how to honor the ones they are currently in! With that being said, let’s continue...
Never let the sun go down on your anger.
This is one you hear a lot and sometimes it isn’t completely possible. So, if you are in a tough spot, make sure to end the day with a promise to keep trying the next day. Don’t end it on an ultimatum or hateful word or uncomfortable silence. End it on a note that regardless of the trials, you aren’t giving up on them.
Be consistent.
Trust is at the core of any relationship. And once it is gone the first time, it will never be the same again. While you can lose it by doing the obvious stuff like cheating or emotionally/physically abusing someone, there are lots of small things we do that can hurt it as well. Such as being hot and cold emotionally, making a habit of canceling last minute, always being late, forgetting promises or little things about our partner, not making effort later down the road the way we did initially. Ownership is a part of this as well- pride will not only cost you emotional intimacy, but trust. If you can’t own your mistakes and take responsibility for the part you play in conflicts, you make yourself much harder to count on. Especially when things get tough, as they always do at some point.
Take it slow and steady.
I am a big preacher of slow and steady. Start off consistent and stay that way; don’t hand it all over to impress someone right off the bat. Keep things simple and fun so you can save some of the bigger, more extravagant moments for when the connection is established and feels like a safe space. Things such as fancy dinners, big holiday gifts, and vacations are better spent that way. If you pull out all of the cards too soon before you know someone, the gestures are not genuine. They will fade out over time and leave the relationship feeling stale. It is better to start small and have somewhere to go rather than hit the climax up front and set expectations too high before you’re sure about them.
Be a great listener and communicator.
Everyone has a different type of personality, a different love language focus, a different set of experiences, and a different list of past hurts. If you want your relationship to last, invest time in knowing each of these things about your partner and acting accordingly. And, in the same breath, invite them to learn these things about you. Because when you are both aware of each other's blind spots, hurt places, needs, and preferences when it comes to handling daily life/ conflicts, you will be able to work through things better. And you will also be able to make them feel safe with you.
Mutually serve each other.
One of my most important (if not my biggest) philosophies in any kind of relationship is this- put the other first. If you both place the other over yourself, both of you will be served and taken care of all the same. Obviously, this is not as easy as it may sound. There will be periods where one person must take on extra or compensate for the other. There will be times when you don’t line up and times when figuring out how to put someone else first leaves you a bit more drained than you’d like. But the idea is that as you grow with someone, you make it a lifelong goal. And hear me correctly when I say this DOES NOT mean you throw yourself away, but rather that you both work to meet in the middle and honor each other. You both compromise and stay flexible and stay open. And ultimately, your best interest is in what best serves the other, which ultimately serves you. Your happiness will be a combination of what makes you happy and what makes them happy.
There are so many more things I could say; these only just scratch the surface. If you would like a part two at some point, feel free to message me and request it! I am so blessed to have a space to share with all of you and I am so thankful for this past year. You all give me life, purpose, and hope. Have an incredible week and know that I love you all!
Till next Sunday,
-Lexi Cummings
