What Men Do Wrong With Women (and how to fix it!)
10/16/20
Hi!
So this week is on a topic I haven’t seen good resources for elsewhere- Mistakes men make when it comes to approaching and dating women. But don’t worry, I am going to be fair and do one of these for the girls next week! Your input would actually be super valuable to me on that topic… Please message me what we do wrong in dating. 😂 I have a pretty good idea, but I would really like some male opinions on the matter as well!
Now, to cut to the point. Way too many sources I’ve seen are all over the place and have too many words without focused points. Or just straight up bad advice. So here goes my take at the matter- let me know how I do!
Cat-calling and general disrespect.
This may be the most obvious one, but it doesn’t mean it happens any less. Now I get it- approaching women in public is hard. But there is really no excuse for making her feel uncomfortable right off the bat. If you are interested, approach her respectfully knowing that rejection is in the cards. If you aren’t comfortable with that possibility, don’t default to making her feel like a random body without anything else to offer. Say nothing at all and simply move along. Just because you respect her doesn’t mean she owes you anything, it’s literally just being a decent human being. But I promise you that your chances will just about double if you approach her in a nice way!
Ghosting in between dates
This is an interesting one! I will give you an example from a friend of mine- She went on a first date and had a really great time. At the end before they went their separate ways, he made the effort to pull out his calendar and get their second date on the books before even leaving! Wowza! But then, she didn’t hear a word from him over the entire next week approaching that second date.
While the above scenario isn’t the only example, I think it is enough to portray the concept. And I would not say that the conversations in between your first few dates should be excessive or even daily- but there shouldn’t be radio silence either. When a man follows up a date with a nice text, it is really encouraging. It makes you feel safe and starts building trust. It is as simple as that!
In the interim between dates, send a text similar to this- “Hey! I was thinking about you today. Hope all is well and I am excited for our next date!” No, it isn’t creepy to let her know you thought about her during your day. And hey, this text doesn’t even lend itself to a conversation! The idea isn’t to try and text her 24/7 before you see her again, but just to reassure her that you are interested in small and thoughtful ways.
If you want to be the biggest catch ever (after two or three promising dates have already happened), send flowers to her work or her home. Or a fruit basket. Or if you don’t want to spend money, bake her some cookies and drop them off at her doorstep with a cute note like “Hope you had a great day today, looking forward to continue getting to know you!” I swear she will LOVE it. It is NOT creepy. Effort is HOTTTT, not weird. Trust me guys- bring chivalry back!
Relying too heavily on texting/messaging.
Hi to my shy guys! :) I love y’all. So much.
But on that note- don’t be one of those guys who sends snapchats to a girl daily thinking that the added visual element makes it count a little more. And don’t be the guy who always messages her on instagram or other social media. Don’t be the guy who can text her “Good morning!” every day but not give her a phone call. If you don’t like calling, send her audio messages! I promise you- she wants to hear your voice. And it makes it so much easier to communicate as well! Messaging will always lead to misunderstandings, so don’t use it as your single source of flirting and dialogue.
Make a point to save some conversation for in person dates! If you’re too nervous to be alone every time you see her, plan for an activity where you can both bring a few friends. Get creative and start stretching your comfort zone!
Never making the first move.
My shy guys again! ❤️
Please, PLEASE make the first move. She can tell you treat her differently than the other girls you are around. But she can’t tell if your quietness, nervous energy, and short interactions are a sign of disinterest or interest.
Try finding out something she likes! Maybe she likes Italian food. So start talking about it when you see her and suddenly, you’ll find an opening! Imagine something like this:
You: “Wow I am starving, could really eat some pasta right about now.”
Her: “No way, pasta is my favorite food!”
You: “Thats crazy! I’ve been wanting to try this new place I heard about if you want to join me?”
Her: “Yeah, that sounds like fun!”
BAM. Date. And hey, if she ends up seeing it as friendly, no harm no foul. You simply shared a similar interest and ended up grabbing a casual meal! It takes off the pressure. And it can really be that simple!
Keeping the conversation too surface level.
I have had so many interactions with men where all they talk about is who they know, what they do, how much money they make, what kind of car they own. They chatter on about all of the “productive” things they do in their lives as if they have something to prove to you.
I am going to let you off the hook here- YOU DON’T HAVE TO PROVE YOUR VALUE WITH YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS. In fact, you can’t.
The right girl doesn’t care about how you were the top salesman for three months in a row at your work, she wants to hear how passionate you are about your job- how it makes you happy to help people, serve people, do right by them.
She doesn’t want to hear about your fancy new car, she wants to hear about the old, beat down first car you had that got you through high school and college. She wants to hear about how you got to where you are now!
She wants to hear about how much you love your siblings, your mom, your dad. She wants to hear stories about the dumb things you and your friends have done before. She wants to hear what you think about life. She wants to know your quirks, ideas, and everything from the good to the bad. She is going to fall in love with your humanity, not anything else.
If she is easily swooned by a few dollar signs and material objects, run for your life. Your value is in who you are- not what you own or what you have accomplished.
Shallow complements.
This one may also be obvious, but you have to pay attention when you’re around her. Telling her she is beautiful isn’t the most genuine or specific- so also tell her that you like how her face dimples when she smiles. Tell her you love her laughter. Or complement the way she thinks! When she tells you her thoughts on something, tell her you love how her mind works and how insightful she is. If she talk-sings when she gets nervous, tell her its cute.
Get creative and notice the little things. Don’t only go for the general complements on her appearance because those aren’t going to set you apart from the other guys trying to talk to her.
Not embracing healthy masculine qualities.
Men!!! It is okay to be her protector. When she has to drive to a sketchy part of town for a job, keep her on the phone while she is walking until she gets inside. Text her to make sure she gets home safe when she leaves your place in the evening. Just because she is an independent woman doesn’t mean she doesn’t need you or want you to make her feel safe.
Don’t put her in a box- yes, woman can cook and clean and be maternal and still be strong. Those things are valuable and should be deeply appreciated, but not expected or mocked otherwise. Some women prefer to work and some prefer to stay home. Some women like to cook and some don’t, but maybe you do! Maybe you take care of the lawn and the trash so she takes care of the dishes and the laundry. Maybe you split all of those things equally!
The point is, don’t make degrading comments to her about “womanly standards.” For example- A while ago, this boy was texting me and at one point asked what I was doing. I said I was helping my mom make dinner! So his reply was, verbatim, “Oh how nice of you! Getting a little domesticated or something 😜…” and that was the end of that conversation for me. Lol. It just isn’t funny or cute, so don’t try to make it. Work out your roles with her as you go and don’t make any assumptions. If you end up on completely different pages, maybe you aren’t the right fit for each other and that’s okay!
Getting physical too soon.
Again on healthy masculine qualities- pursue her, make the first move, lead her physically. I personally believe those are a part of a mans roles! But that also means you have a responsibility to steward them well. There is a weight to all of those and they shouldn’t be handled impulsively, carelessly, or thoughtlessly.
For those of you who have seen the movie “Hitch,” I would take that 80-20 rule seriously. When you go in to kiss her for the first time, don’t ask her about it right before but also don’t just attack her face. I have had experiences on both sides of this spectrum and none of them have been enjoyable.
If you don’t hesitate at all and go straight in, she will likely pull away because she didn’t consent to it. It will probably make her uncomfortable. In one of these situations for me, I had liked the boy for YEARS. But when he asked me for a hug and went for my lips instead, I was confused and pulled away instantly because that wasn’t what I was expecting. It was a bad kiss and it didn’t matter how long I had liked him. Approach killed the moment.
On the other side of the spectrum, there is no mood killer worse than never trying at all or asking about it first. “Hey, can I kiss you?” to me is one of those things you don’t need to spell out. Lean in but make sure to pause before you’re all the way there, let her come the rest of the way. If she stops you, then she stops you! I have stopped men before in this situation if I didn’t feel comfortable quite yet and let me tell you- I appreciated having the option to say no. And it pays off later down the road with her when you respect her boundaries up front!
Obviously, there are bigger things besides the first kiss on the horizon. Just think it through, don’t rush, make sure you are also growing together emotionally and spiritually. And respect each others boundaries! Sometimes, you’ll do something and wish you hadn’t. Back up the boundary together! You will constantly be working this out as you grow with each other so be considerate and communicate well.
Getting stuck on your ideal image of a woman.
One of two things will happen here:
1. You will never find a woman who checks all of your boxes and so you won’t commit to anyone.
2. You will find a woman who checks a few but then stay blind to all of the reasons you are actually not right for each other. This happens because you’ve decided to fall in love with the idea of her instead of who she actually is.
Women have cellulite, stretch marks, hair on their bodies, different structures, different weights, acne, periods, and so on. We aren’t the perfect photoshopped images of women that cloud your instagram feed. And even they have the same things if you were to experience them in real life. So just get over all of that- experiencing a real woman is entirely different than imagining one in your head. And it is much better, just saying!! :)
Fearing intimacy.
How many times have you opened up to a woman and then disappeared? Or questioned if you actually like her right after having an emotionally intimate moment?
I have had way too many experiences with hot and cold men. It is like they so badly want to let their guards down with you, and they even do in some moments, but then they close up immediately after.
If you are someone who is afraid of intimacy, ask yourself why. If you aren’t sure and would like to find out more, watch this video.
Yes, every relationship yields the possibility of getting hurt. But I can tell you from experience that it is better to be the one who gave it your all than to be the one who didn’t. Not once have I wanted to return to a past relationship because when it ended, I knew I gave my full effort. But I find from my experience and from friends as well that the one who messed up always tries to reach back out after some time has passed. This is because regret is much harder to get over than genuine intentions and efforts. It may hurt more initially because you really tried, but in the long run, you heal much faster.
Be fearless, be vulnerable, give it your all. If she doesn’t appreciate it, you know you did your best and she isn’t the one for you. You will walk away better knowing your worth and valuing what you bring to the table, I PROMISE.
It is also better to let her in and have it fail later on than lose her before she is even yours because you are too afraid to open up. If you don’t, someone else will.
Well, there you go! I am sure there are more things I could say as is usually the case, but I believe these are the biggest.
To my men out there, outgoing or shy, experienced or not, you are so worthy of a genuine connection! Never settle when it comes to your love life. The little things make the biggest difference with women, so think in small steps and don’t get overwhelmed with the expectations you see all around you. Your relationship is yours- not to be compared with other couples on twitter or instagram or even amongst other couples in your friend group. Just be you- that is all we really want!
Message me if you would like to talk about this more or if you think I forgot something/could have explained something better. Love you all so much!
See you next Sunday,
-Lexi Cummings
