What Women Do Wrong With Men (and how to fix it!)
10/24/20
Hi guys!
So here is part two in my mini series discussing what men and women do wrong in the dating scene. The guys went first last week so it is only fair to let the ladies take their turn!
(BTW It is my girl Maggie’s birthday today- go tell her happy birthday! :))
Because I am coming from a female perspective, I made a point to ask several guys what their thoughts were on this topic. And don't worry- I only asked men that I would describe as top of the line. Most of them are in successful relationships and the others are the spiciest bachelors around!
If you were one of those guys, please know you are a STAR and your input was incredibly valuable to this post! 💕 And for the others, please know that I didn’t have the ability to ask every awesome guy I know so don’t take it as a bad sign if I didn’t make it to you this week. You are still the coolest! :)
Girls- Here we go!
Talking about your ex too soon.
Hi, I have definitely done this before. Probably a few times. So I am with you here! It is never an intentional thing to bring up an ex when you are interested in someone new. It is usually word-vomit when you start getting nervous because the guy isn’t filling enough conversation space.
The thing is- at least for the first few dates with someone new, you want to try and avoid the details of your past relationships. Sometimes the conversation naturally goes there or your date asks you about them; but even in this case, try to keep it short and sweet initially!
My reasoning for this is such: If you talk about them too much, it will appear as though they still occupy your mental space. That just isn’t going to be a great incentive for a man to pursue you. It isn’t an appealing challenge to a quality guy.
Another reason: You should make sure you trust this person to a certain extent before revealing too many previous hurts. Just be careful before gushing details to a stranger if the past situation you were in was messy.
There are lots of little clauses that go into this. And sometimes, the conversation just naturally goes places you didn’t mean for it to. This isn’t a hard and fast rule, just something to avoid if you can up front. Especially if it is a completely new person who has no prior reference for who you are! First impressions stick and you want him to think about YOU after the date ends!
Commitment talk too soon.
Again, this is situational. So let’s assume this is a new person in your sphere and you have no prior reference for him.
I mentioned in my previous blog about how men should lead in particular areas- I think this is one of them!
Men WANT to pursue you, they want to put in the effort to make dates, spend time with you, and get to know you. You are the queen, you are the final destination. So if you’ve just gone a date or two and you start asking things like “So how many other girls are you talking to?” or “What are we?” it can take the fun of the pursuit off the table because now you’ve flipped the tables- If he feels like you are the one trying to lock him down, it will come across as a red flag instead of a clarifying question. It may make you appear to be possessive or insecure.
In the early part of dating, you have to realize this- you are a priceless jewel. Carry yourself with the mentality that he would be lucky to have you and let him do the rest. Even if he is taking a few other women on dates, it really isn’t your business until things are more serious. And three to four dates in just isn’t serious enough for you to raise concerns of that nature. I would say after a fourth or fifth date, it is usually pretty valid to start wondering about status. But honestly? Those are conversations he should be initiating.
He should be the one dropping hints that he isn’t interested in anyone else. He should be the one feeling out your standards, expectations, and comfort level. He should be the one to make things official. If he doesn’t initiate those conversations, he may not be a man that you want to have.
Entertaining lazy men.
On that topic- I can’t tell you how many women reward men for minimal effort. They accommodate when he cancels last minute, changes plans, or makes poor plans to begin with. They initiate every conversation first, cancel previous plans to cram their schedule into the small window he has offered them. Or they settle for scenarios where all he wants to do is sit on the couch, play video games, and eat food while you’re in his company. Sometimes a relaxing day is fun but if that is the sum of his plan-making abilities, please just run while you can.
Ladies- NO MORE. You are too valuable to be manipulated like this when there are sooo many amazing men who want to pursue you. Connections like this with men who don’t put in any effort will 9 times out of 10 lead to heartache and disappointment. As well as wasted time, effort, and energy.
If he doesn’t honestly and truly meet you 50/50, especially in the initial phase of dating, I would boldly assume that it is destined to fail. And you can do so much better than that.
Having no opinions.
Hi, this one is mostly for the shy girls. I LOVE YOU! :)
When you are someone who likes to make other people happy and typically places the preferences of others over your own, it can be really hard to share your opinions. My rule of thumb is, at a minimum, the man should arrange first date details on his own. Let him make most all of those decisions.
But after the first date or two? He is going to see it as disinterest if you don’t take some initiative. When he asks if you want Thai food or Italian food, just give him an answer. When he asks if you want to go bowling but you’re in the mood to have a park day instead, throw it out there!
If he brings up his favorite sports team and you know nothing about them, just be honest. If he has a favorite artist and you know none of their songs, don’t say “I am sure I’ve heard that somewhere, it sounds familiar.” Just say no. Haha.
For those of you resonating with this point, just know I am right here with you. I don’t like to be overly opinionated even though I have pretty strong opinions. I always felt like I had to be the most chill, go with the flow, be whatever they needed me to be in the moment type of girl to keep guys interested. But that isn’t the case! They just want you to be genuine. So if you are genuinely the most relaxed and easy-going person around, stay that way. If you are a bit energetic and opinionated in nature, don’t try to hide it anymore!
Insulting yourself.
I think this one is mostly self-explanatory, but there is a difference in humility and degradation.
You may be an incredible painter or singer or dancer and say things like “I have room to grow!” or “I am not the best out there but I work hard every day, I just love what I do!” And those are fine.
Things you don’t want to say would be more along the lines of “I am so fat.” “I hate my skin.” “I don’t like my hair, I wish it was curly/straight/thicker/thinner.”
We all have insecurities, but you don’t want those to be a piece of your first impression on him. When he thinks of you after your date, you want him to be in awe of your energy, your confidence, and your personality.
I view insulting yourself as giving a disclaimer- like hey, here is what is wrong with me so be warned before going any further!!
You don’t want those things to be the first things he sees about you. In time and again, with trust, let those walls down. But don’t use them as defaults to keep potential men away before they can even get to know you. That is just self-sabotage.
Doing too many things for him too fast.
I feel, as women, that there is a pressure to do things for men like we aren’t enough of a catch on our own. Like we are more valuable when we are willing to meet all of his needs as quickly as possible. Things like cleaning his room for him, cooking him whole meals, doing his laundry, buying him clothes.
Don’t hear me wrong- all of these things are nice things. Heck, he should do these things as well! But will he immediately do them as a first instinct within the relationship? No. And neither should you!
As I mentioned- men love the pursuit. You should do nice things for him, but start small so you have something to build up to. Instead of cooking him dinner on the third date, order it in. Fight the urge you have to become his personal stylist for at least a few months. Yes, he probably needs new clothes and his bathroom is probably gross. But if you start out jumping to fill his every need before he can even ask, he will expect these things from you without meaning to. Again with the minimal effort equating to large rewards- it isn’t a great system to start off on.
If you save some of those nicer things for later down the road, he knows he had to earn them and he appreciates them more.
Playing too hard to get.
COMPLIMENT HIM!!!! AHH!!!!!!!!!
Men love words of affirmation. They want someone who will be their biggest fan. When he tells you about things he has accomplished or things he is passionate about, try not to blow them off or react passively. Give him a big smile and tell him how awesome it is, ask him questions so he can elaborate! If you think his eyes are pretty, PLEASE tell him. If you think his random quirks and mannerisms are adorable, say it! Don’t hold back.
If you blow him off constantly, don’t really affirm him, and make him chase you with no signals as to whether or not you’re interested, you are simply playing mind games with him.
When he does nice things for you, THANK HIM. If he grabs your favorite drink from Starbucks on his way to see you, let him know you appreciate him! Showing him that you notice the little, thoughtful things he does will set you apart immediately and encourage him to keep it up.
Women are more sensitive to body language than men are, so we can take cues from things that are subtle whereas men usually need a little more. You may think you are being obvious when you are not.
So SPEAK how you feel. If you like him, oh gosh just say it. Wait until after he says something funny and you give a good hearty laugh, then slip in an “I like you.” He will probably blush and melt into the floor.
A woman who is a precise, direct, and clear communicator is an absolute prize to a quality man. It helps him to trust you and fall faster because he is more confident in how you feel!
Not establishing boundaries right up front. As well as compromising your individuality.
This goes hand in hand with doing too many things for him too fast. But it also goes beyond that!
When he cancels, tries to push the plans around last minute, or initiates things that make you uncomfortable, don’t accept it.
It is human nature to test boundaries- even great guys will test your boundaries to a certain extent as a means of seeing whether or not you have standards. Turns out, they want you to have them!
Don’t cancel plans with friends to go see him. Don’ stop going on your afternoon runs because that is a time he is usually free. Don’t start drinking soda again just because he does. Don’t make less time for your hobbies to make more time for him. Don’t lose yourself chasing someone else. You will end up bitter even though he didn’t ask you to make those sacrifices (or maybe even realize you were making them.)
Keep away from each others places for as long as you can- at least for the first month.
If he wants to kiss you, let it be out in a more public place or at your doorstep before you go inside ALONE for the evening.
Getting physical too soon.
To elaborate on my point right above this, here is my reasoning with establishing physical boundaries- men are the initiators. They will see how far you are willing to let them go.
Some men push for things faster or slower, but at some point, they are all going to test the waters. That doesn’t mean they are always trying to go all the way, but you get my point I hope.
If you give in too soon, it does a few things:
Kills the pursuit- I will preach about men wanting to pursue. If you give them the ultimate piece of you, are they going to be as focused on who you are as a person?
Men want to be with a woman that makes them work for it even if they don’t think of it that way. His dream girl isn’t someone that anyone can have.
Why is this a bit different for woman than it is for men? It isn’t about your “body count.” That point doesn’t make or break a new connection. Try to think of it like this- Imagine a soccer game. Women are the goal post and men are the offense players taking the ball upfield. Would the game be as exciting if there wasn’t a goalie trying to stop the obvious attempts at scoring? The game is rewarding and exciting only when players work hard enough to get past the goalie and score.
It is human nature to value the things you have to work for much more than things that are handed to you. This goes regardless of gender. If you want this concept in the version of a country song, try “Automatic” by Miranda Lambert. Such a jam.
If he feels like you are a goal without a goalie, and he is a quality man looking for a future, he may be more hesitant because he is unsure if you are looking at him as a means to a physical end or as a potential partner.
Trying to be what you think he wants rather than who you actually are.
I have touched on this point a bit, but I just want to send you off with it as a final reminder.
If you are loud and crazy and spontaneous, be that.
If you are super chill and open minded, be that.
If you are an anxious person with a lot of complex thoughts to explore, be that.
If you are a million contradictions packed into a single entity, be that.
Be who you are. Don’t try and be whatever you think someone else wants you to be.
Something I learned recently- you can’t just be yourself around anybody. If you go on a date and feel like it wasn’t completely comfortable and natural, maybe give it one more go. If that feeling doesn’t change, he isn’t for you. And it doesn’t have to be a personal matter!
Be warned- You will have fun with and even fall in love with people who allow you to be pieces of yourself, but not your entire self.
For me, it took meeting someone who I felt like my entire self around to even know the difference. And it will probably be the same for you! The right people, regardless of romantic intention, will make it easy from the start. Don’t convince yourself that it will get more comfortable over time because it won’t. Pieces of you will start dying off if you accept love from someone who only brings out some of who you are. Don’t settle!
That is all I have for today, sorry if it was a lot! I have made most of these mistakes if not all of them before, so please don’t see this as me passing judgement. We are all on the same boat here girls and we will make mistakes as we go!
Just remember that you truly are priceless. You are desirable and beautiful and worth pursuing. You are worth honoring. YOU are the thing that is going to bless a man one day.
Another reminder- we as the church are the bride of Christ. God has relentlessly pursued us with no bounds for our entire existence. Through every trial and dark season and failure, he never stops fighting for us.
In our human states, we will never be able to model a love like that. But remember that the man who is truly right for you will aim to love you in the way that Christ loves the church. He will honor you, protect you, serve you, and put your life before his own. Settle for nothing less than this.
I love you all dearly. Thank you for sticking with me.
Happy Sunday,
-Lexi Cummings
