4. How to Thrive in Singleness

12/19/20

Hey my friends, back with part four of my series! 

So… we’ve covered what we should look for when we are in a relationship, but we haven’t covered how we should carry ourselves when we are single. Now let’s get started!

I have been single for the majority of my life; a healthier version at some points than at others for sure. There was a pretty decent span of time where I was happy to flirt but never serious about anything past that.

All throughout high school I had a system where I would “talk” to a guy for about three months and when he got frustrated enough that I wouldn’t commit to a real date, we’d both move along. I loved having someone to talk to but had no experience physically, so I always hesitated greatly when it came to letting a connection switch from online to in-person. It was easy enough to have a guy meet me at my locker when school ended every day but much harder for me to entertain something serious.

While I had a lot of valid reasons for not wanting a real boyfriend in high school, I remember literally feeling empty if I didn’t have a few guys to text, snapchat, or call on the phone.

I will dig into more of my personal journey next week, but I just wanted to assure you that I am as much of a mess as anyone else is. I have lacked self-awareness when it came to my true feelings before on several occasions. I have hurt people, led people on, misinterpreted signals, and subconsciously let my guard down but only in situations that were impossible from the first page. I never gave anything that could be real a fighting chance; I loved a good “challenge” and was usually relieved when things didn’t pan out. 

So… who am I to tell you how to “thrive in singleness” when my past is so flawed? I am a human being just like you! And you may be reading this thinking about all of the differences between us whether it be our gender, culture, appearance, beliefs, or the ways in which we struggle. But my goal today is to share the wisdom I have gained from my many mess-ups as well as encourage you that no matter your relationship status, you are PURPOSEFUL.

For those of you who are new or don’t know me on a more personal level, I am single myself. But when I first started this blog a little over a year ago, I was in what was my longest relationship to date- just over a year long. As of January 1st, 2020, my entire mindset, future, and life changed when things didn’t end up the way I thought they were going to. And the most beautiful part of it all looking back is seeing how God worked the rough edges of my heart out little by little, year by year up to the point in which I find myself today. 

I can tell you now that there are a few things you should work on before God sends you your forever person, and they look like this:

1.     A character marked by peace regardless of circumstances.

2.     A healthy view of singleness.

3.     A healthy view of joining your story to another’s.

4.     A sense of purpose for your own life that never changes. For me, it was leaning into my identity as a child of the most high God. When that truly came first, everything else about me made sense.

5.     A deep rhythm of humility; Apart from this, all wisdom is really just pride in disguise.

Before I found myself in a committed relationship by the end of 2018, I was not all of these things. My journals were marked by bitterness towards men, discouragement, and a sense that no one would ever be able to love me. I felt like I was too much work and that the effort they’d have to invest was not worth what they’d end up getting. And then, suddenly, I found myself caught up in what initially felt like a storybook romance. It was sweeping, unexpected, and all-consuming. My gut was screaming at me to slow down and I even tried to communicate my desire to take things slower, but it wasn’t very hard to manipulate me due to a few things:

• My broken view of relationships.

•  My lack of experience.

• The way that red flags had been modeled to me as green flags both by example and popular media.

I was unprepared to be with someone and that equated to my judgement being skewed. This is one of the biggest dangers when you don’t know how to thrive in your state of singleness!

I am willing to bet that many of you reading this are actually in a relationship right now and realizing that it isn’t where you were meant to be. But by now you’ve given so much physical intimacy, time, money, effort, and love to someone, that you can’t even picture a life apart from them anymore.

When you glorify a life alone, you miss out on true intimacy and also set yourself up for failure just as much as someone who glorifies life with a spouse, kids, and a nice cozy home. 

It goes both ways- I had been glorifying my state of singleness when someone decided that the challenge of breaking down my walls was appealing. I didn’t want a relationship and even used to remind him of that once we were in one. Manipulative of me, huh? Yeah. Which just further proves the point that my heart wasn’t ready and all of the movies were wrong.

Meeting someone at a low and vulnerable point in your life is rarely romantic, endearing, edifying, or even safe. I can’t speak for every love story, but in a general sense, I have learned that unless you are whole on your own you are an easy target for darkness.

Satan seeks to take advantage of your hurt places, wounds, and false beliefs about yourself. So, he sent someone who would make me feel that I was worthy for just long enough, only to later drive every single wound I already had (plus some) in deeper than they’d ever been before.

I am far from the only girl with this story; I have friends of all genders, ages, and circumstances who have found themselves stuck in places they were never meant to be. But God is faithful and makes a way for you when you are not strong enough to make a way for yourself!

Left to my own devices, I would still be very lost today. But in my lowest points, all I had to do was pray a simple prayer. I didn’t know what to ask God, so I surrendered my desires to Him and whatever His greater plan would be. 

This is also a very bold, scary prayer that is guaranteed to change EVERYTHING. I know because that is exactly what happened to me. Which leads me to today: praying that the ways God has equipped, lead, and strengthened me can be helpful to you as you navigate your own journey.

I don’t have it all down perfectly, but let me tell you I have never been more prepared for my future. I am at a place where I have accepted the unknown, where I pray before any decisions I make, where I include God in all that I do rather than just the places where it is convenient for me to. So here are some quick notes to summarize disciplines I have picked up that made a world of difference for me!

1.     Engaging in community with true friends.

a.     Having people to exist with, eat with, adventure with, and confide in changes everything. Good friends hold you accountable and give you an outside perspective that is invaluable. These people also reflect who you are! So, if you are interested in someone, see how they gel with your friends (because they aren’t blinded by romantic feelings like you are.)

b.     On that note- NEVER EVER date someone who does not have wholesome, supportive, healthy friendships of their own. It is a reflection of them and will only pull you away from the positive people in your life if you decide to be with them!

2.     Buy some books about psychology, mental health, and human behavior. Or watch some good videos made by licensed professionals! Just in general, educate yourself. This could also look like getting a counselor and seeking some personal help.

a.     One of the first things I did after 2020 started was shove down my pride and get a counselor. I leaned into informed outsider perspectives and an amazing life coach I know named Jennifer who I will link here!

b.     The education I sought for myself is truly priceless. The world doesn’t spell out what a healthy view of self looks like or what to look for in a good relationship. So, take it upon yourself to learn!

3.     Be prayerful and patient with yourself.

a.     One of the very first things I sensed God telling me to do was promise myself a year of singleness at minimum. A year to really crack down, discover where I could be better, where my mindset was off, and to just enjoy my alone time with God.

b.     I went from seeing my loneliness as a struggle to a blessing! Now, every time I am alone, I am healing from the inside out. I asked God to change my perspective on seeking Him from this chore that I would never do perfectly to something that I absolutely adored. I asked God to be someone I would start missing when I hadn’t made enough time for Him. Then, the guilt I used to feel was replaced by a deep love.

c.     I come to prayer with a joy now that I have never known before rather than timidly, feeling like I am a burden to Him.

d.     This shift alone is the most valuable thing I have gained all year.

4.     Allow yourself to feel!

a.     It is scary to feel all of your brokenness, all of your worries and fears and sadness. But you have to do it. Feelings are something I normally water down and sort through logically to push past them. This year forced me to take time and get to the root issues in my life.

b.     This doesn’t mean I can always fix them 100%, but it means that in my next relationship when I am hurt by something that they may not even realize they’ve done wrong, I can take responsibility for it instead of placing it on my partner. I can be self-aware enough to communicate and work through hurt places rather than let them take a toll on the people who love me!

For the first time in my life, I feel free. I am free to be whole on my own or whole next to someone else. And when I doubt my growth or get overwhelmed, God sweetly reminds me that I have been tried, tested, and refined by the fires I’ve gone through. I may not have been strong enough in the past to discern well or walk away when I needed to, but I am now. Which gives me permission to fall in love again; confident that I will be able to hold my own and never settle.

You have gone through fires as well. You may be in the middle of one right here and now. My encouragement to you is that the work may be hard, the darkness may be overwhelming, but the other side will always arrive right on time. You are not behind and you are not ahead of God’s perfect plan. You are right where you are supposed to be, learning all the lessons he has for you to learn. Your past does not define your future if you don’t let it!

Here is a devotional I recently started and am still going through. If you don’t really know where to start, I think this is a great first step! I like it a lot so far!

If you would like more personalized advice, other specific things I did to reshape my view of singleness and love, or more depth on any aspect of this topic, please feel free to contact me. The devo I linked above may not seem as appealing to guys so let me know if you’d like me to look for some other resources for you!

I love you all with my whole heart and appreciate you. Have an incredible week and a Merry Christmas!

See you next Sunday, 

-Lexi Cummings

Photo Creds: Ines Lopez