Living In Uncertain Times

3/15/20

Happy Sunday!

I had been planning to start a series of stories for the next few weeks of my blog, but then a lot of things changed very quickly… And so I figured I should address the place I find myself in now before I dig into pieces of my past.

Living in Nashville, TN has been more unpredictable lately than in all the years I’ve been around thus far. I remember Monday evening just a few weeks ago sitting in my apartment with friends when the tornado sirens came on. The sickening sound of wind spinning that came next blocked out the warnings as our lights began to flicker.

I have been through a good handful of bad storms, tornado warnings, and campus evacuations. But I had never been through a touch down, let alone one within a few short miles of me. My stomach dropped quite honestly and I quickly went into mom-mode for the people I had with me. Two of my closest friends, Nani and Julia, were in town visiting for the weekend. And I realized that being the top floor, corner apartment in my complex didn’t leave us with great odds. I truly had no safe place to hide them, but I did what I could. We all hid in my closet with pillows, blankets, water, and snacks while watching the events unfolding live on my roommate Kaitlyn’s laptop. After the immediate threat passed, the girls went to sleep in an actual bed so they could get some rest before leaving the apartment at 6am to make their flight home.

Kaitlyn and I stayed and watched to be safe because the warning hadn’t ended yet. Then, the warning kept extending. And extending. And then there were even more tornado’s, more storms, and finally, casualties began rolling in. What they had assumed to be an F1-F2 tornado initially was actually an F3 that grew into an F4 by the time it left its home base of downtown Nashville.

Had the chaos turned our way rather than the opposite direction, I can confidently say that we had no true way to stay safe. It is by God’s grace that my home was untouched and we were in one piece the next morning.

The day after was beautiful-sunny, breezy, bright and blue. I was so angry. I had prayed when the events began that not a single life be taken. And then 20+ were. I was unsettled and upset with God. And I very much battled him as to why I felt peace in that prayer and then it was answered with the opposite. And then followed by the most beautiful weather we’d had in a very long time.

Now, a few weeks later, I find myself in a nation-wide epidemic. Regardless of our personal opinions on the corona virus, it has shut down and canceled a lot of things. Including the remainder of my senior year. On Wednesday night of this week, I found myself truly realizing the gravity of the situation. I went to my class at the TN Women’s Prison for likely the last time. We spent the final thirty minutes of class giving impromptu goodbye speeches, exchanging phone numbers and addresses. It hadn’t been real to me before that moment and I was not ready to see it end. I’ve gained life in a way I’ve never known before by being a part of that program.

I began to face the reality that I have no control; something I’ve always known in my head, but pushed away from my heart.

The next day was Thursday, the unexpected and likely end of my senior year. We had our final meetings for the classes that hadn’t canceled already and went on our ways. I remember being in the student center and in chapel wondering when the next time would be that I see congregated students anywhere on any college campus for a while. All still looked normal but with a feeling of uncertainty in the air. This was paired with a day-long tornado and severe weather watch that did not end until the early hours of the next morning.

I felt like everything had just gone to shambles- my final senior concert at Lipscomb completely canceled, my classes moved online, my internship coming to an abrupt halt, my church moving services to online, my friends scattering all over the country with no promise of seeing them again anytime soon. I do not know that I will even get a graduation ceremony, but at this rate, it seems unlikely. And so the next day on Friday, I flew home to Florida with Savanna and a friend named Taylor. We ate dinner with our families upon arrival and found the entire journey to be utterly empty. We had a fairly full flight compared to many other terminals, but only 90 our of 150 seats were occupied.

I am home now for two weeks positively but could potentially stay here for the rest of the semester if my parents deem it fit not to send me back.

In summary, I have zero control over my life. My busy, go go go, never stop, hustling life has had a door slammed in it’s face. And let me tell you, it didn’t feel great. It hurt.

I keep coming back to a verse from the Bible… Jeremiah 29:11.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I have loved this verse for as long as I’ve known it. I’ve clung to it, meditated on it, used it to encourage others that I hold close to my heart. But I found myself angry at my life and feeling hopeless rather than at peace. I found that my head believed this verse, but my heart did not.

I could feel God nudging me, excited to walk me through this next piece of His plan, to teach me lessons I’d been running away from in the business of my life. But I was still resistant. I kept filling up on my schedule and I stopped digging deeper. I was overwhelmed and drained and running myself into the ground with productivity, organization, and personal demands of perfection. I was desperate to keep clinging to the false sense of control that routine gave me. And then, the rug was snatched from underneath my feet. And so I am having to face the reality that I don’t know anything for certain, even when it feels like I do.

Now, I would like to encourage all of you, no matter your unique stories in these unusual times, to look at this as an invitation- an invitation to rest.

I found myself in the swirl of busyness because I am an overachiever. And the rest of the world set a standard for busy that I was trying to keep up with and even take to the next notch. I felt the pressure to constantly go because that is the pressure of the world I find myself in.

So. maybe, just maybe, this is the thing that we all need. All of us all over the world.

I have had such a deep desire in my heart to step back and rest. I did so several weeks ago when I deleted all of my social media for a period of time. But one of the biggest aches in my heart was the loneliness of it. I wondered why we couldn’t all do it together, why we all kept running on empty to maintain such unrealistic and unhealthy standards.

Now? I get that rest I was craving and in a collective way. But I am unhappy about it… Or at least I was at first.

The dial changed quickly when I finished my travels. Coming home has been a time of sleep, of friendship, of peace rather than angst.

We are all living in uncertain times right now. We are being challenged to embrace the uncertainty of it all; the chaos, the unknown. We are being challenged to reconnect with ourselves and with those we hold close.

I hope that we decide to lean in as much as possible, to do what we can to breathe even in the unknowns of our income, our educations, our responsibilities that we are now left to accomplish without the proper tools.

When God says his plans are not to harm, but to provide hope and a future, He means it. But it won’t feel convenient to us or look the way we expect it to. And that is why we have a God who has an infinite understanding of us all and our deepest needs. He knows our hearts when we do not. And He is here to walk with us every step of the way if we will just tune in and listen.

Let’s all support each other in these moments and be good neighbors. Let’s remember that this about taking care of those who can’t withstand this illness. Let’s be responsible. Let’s reflect. Let’s rest.

Till next Sunday,

Lexi Cummings