REST!!! :)
3/22/20
Hi everyone!
I’m going to be super real- I have been lazy this week. Super lazy. And by that I mean I’ve only written one song, I started writing a book and only finished the first chapter, I discovered the show Hart of Dixie with Paula (mom), and I sat in my feelings!
I hate sitting in my feelings by the way. I have discovered recently that I am a 1w2 on the enneagram and since, found myself very intrigued by studying what that means spelled out. And while I am on the warmer, more relationally-focused side of this perfectionist/reformer personality type, I still hate the depth of my emotions. They often hit me like a wall at such force that I fumble immediately and have to retreat. It is why I love lists, journaling, writing songs, and retreating from the social world. But in that same regard, it is just overwhelming to feel anything. Even as I reflect on them alone.
Because I am a perfectionist, I am tempted to go insane at this quarantine. I have a million emails to send to people, a bunch of things to follow up on. I even have this blog to think about. But this week? It is a free write without an inkling of a plan. I am trying to learn how to give myself permission to just stop going 25/7. I am giving myself permission to feels things other than happiness or neutrality. I am allowed to feel sad, angry, confused, heartbroken, or annoyed. After all, if I don’t feel life as it comes, I will not process it in a healthy way.
So sitting here in my home is not always easy. But it has been eye opening for a few reasons…
I thought I was beginning to move past some hurts, but I haven’t actually done that. I just kept finding ways to distract myself from them.
I feel everything so deeply that I can appear cold on the outside. It can make me insensitive, irritable, and even create physical symptoms like extreme fatigue or nausea.
I have questions about everything in my life. I have questions about God that I haven’t been digging into.
I need to zone out sometimes; watch tv, listen to an album, go for a run. And I need to not think about anything else. There is a balance I must find so that I am not avoiding my thoughts completely but giving myself healthy space to rest from them.
I am happy to rest. I am happy to be away from the noise. And as much as I miss my friends and school, I know this is where I am supposed to be.
Life is so, so unpredictable. The memories on Facebook, Snapchat, and my camera roll pop up all of the time. And let’s just say that when I mirror my life last year to the very day against where I am now, things were extremely different. The first half of 2019 was one of the most joyful periods of my life and the last half was one of the longest and most miserable points of my existence. Now? I am in this space where I am trying desperately to make something beautiful from the ruins all while being constantly reminded of where I used to be.
The biggest lesson I am learning is that rest is where my heart must always return. It is the place we all must find again and again. And it is the place we all neglect the most. Will any of us ever completely heal from the brokenness? Will our scars ever disappear? No. They are not supposed to. But we physically can’t ignore them either.
The last three months I have barely slept a wink. My heart was racing so often that I was starting to have chest pains and moments where it would skip so abruptly that I couldn’t breathe. It got to a point that on some days I couldn’t stand up for more than ten minutes without feeling like I was about to pass out on the spot. My body started to literally reject me. I was running a low grade fever for two weeks on and off which happens to me when my stress level is through the roof and I haven’t stopped going. But when I got home to Florida, every symptom disappeared within a week. I started sleeping in and eating normal amounts of food. I started to feel like me again in the midst of being reminded that my heart is still broken.
My point is, I was running. Running and running away. I was running towards productivity, good grades, lots of friendships, potential options for my life post graduation. I was technically doing all of the right things with my time, but my heart was falling apart. And I didn’t have time to deal with it. So I kept neglecting it thinking that enough “positivity” would heal it.
Sometimes, you need to feel. Exactly what you are feeling. Right then and there. And be okay with it. I am not going to heal by sprinkling some sparkles on a gaping wound, I am going to heal by stitching it up. Stitches hurt. But guess what? They are necessary.
In this time of isolation, please stay home. I know it isn’t easy, but it’s so important. We all know someone we love who is immunocompromised or elderly or in a position that could not weather this virus out. So do your part to stop the spread. And while you are at home, while you are resting, know that it is okay to be bored. It is okay to be frustrated or sad or to realize that something is on your mind that you thought was gone.
To my fellow perfection chasers, we won’t be perfect. Ever. And no one should make you feel like you have to be. We can go back to changing the world in a few months, but stop trying to right now. Look inwards at yourself and your needs; your light and dark places, your hopes and dreams and fears. Enjoy this space from responsibility and find peace in the chaos.
Till next Sunday,
Lexi Cummings
