Overcoming Self-Negativity

5/28/20

Happy Sunday!

This week I am diving into a topic that, unfortunately, I know quite a bit about. 😂

In all honestly, I know I am far from the only person who struggles to be kind to themselves. Whether it be about our personalities or physical appearance, we are our own worst critics most of the time. I have mentioned before that I am an Enneagram Type 1 which is unique in the respect that I have my own personal “Inner Critique” inside of my head. I thought this was normal until I discovered that my personality type is the only one with this specific description. In other words, it’s like I have a small devil attached to my shoulder that constantly picks me apart as well as the world around me and if I do not constantly put on my amor to battle it, I grow helpless to its destructive voice.

I remember in my childhood innately noticing flaws in others; I was in a constant pursuit of someone without “sin.” At the time, I defined sin mostly as who had hurt my feelings and who hadn’t. Sadly for my Sister, Mom, Dad and Nana, they had all fallen into the pit of imperfection rather quickly. However, my Ema was without blemish for the longest amount of time. It wasn’t until one day when Savanna and I kept pestering her to play with us and she told us no for the first time that I realized she was just as human as everyone else. 

Obviously, I had a poor understanding of what sin actually was when I was three years old. The point is more so that I am wired in my core to evaluate the world. Age has greatly rounded out my definitions of morality, right, wrong, perfect, and imperfect. But growing older has also extended my judgement past an emotional realm and into physical appearance. By the time I was six years old I knew I was chubbier than the girls around me. I remember hating the rolls on my arms and thinking my cheeks were too big every time I looked into a mirror. I would often pull my face back to make my eyes look smaller or my features slimmer. I hated sitting criss-cross on the floor with my classmates because I was self conscious about how my thighs had a few extra rolls when my knees were bent. I remember hating my name and wishing I had been Abigail or Elizabeth for many years in my early childhood, thinking that Lexi was childish sounding and shouldn’t have even been a name. 

A lot of that sounds silly but I still remember it vividly because at the time, it was my reality. I would observe my surroundings, listen in on random comments and conversations, and then summarize what the world should look like and be like. I judged myself by this standard I had created long before any particular person sent hateful words my way. With time those came as well, leading me to hate what they called my “elephant ears” and other characteristics of that sort. 

I mention all of this to say I still struggle every single day. I get to points where I accept my mind and my body all for one mean comment to send me spiraling again. It is hard for me to handle critisicm because ten times out of ten, I have already berated myself about whatever they could possibly say plus some. I look at pictures from a year ago and think “Wow, I used to be so skinny then.” when I look the exact same today as I did then. Even the girl sitting inside of that year-old picture feels like she was prettier a year before that, too. Nothing is ever good enough and it never will be with that mindset.

On my journey, I have learned a few things:

1.     Negative thoughts take 10x more energy from you than positive ones do.

2.     If you tell yourself you can’t do something, you will most likely not be able to.

3.     Even the most perfect-looking people are “flawed” physically and emotionally.

4.     The closer you get to someone, the more imperfections you will discover.

5.     The more you discover about humanity, the messier it becomes. 

I often find that I avoid growing closer to people because I like to encapsulate them in my mind as a person without blemish, or more so, to keep their view of me that way. I don’t want to hurt anyone so much so that I hold myself to completely unrealistic standards, often keep any anger inside, and forgive many more times than I should. It is either this or I keep people at arms length to avoid the inevitable struggles that come with depth. I do this because I know how disgusting it feels to be drawn in only to be later rejected, tossed aside, hated even. And while people have affirmed these pains in me, it all started with myself. I hated me before anyone else ever did.

I found that the first step to loving myself was by writing out that truth, as ugly as it is. I gave so much love to everyone else because I didn’t want them to feel the depths of self-hate that I felt. However, as I continued to grow, I discovered just how harmful it is to approach love that way. Now? I love because I want people to know the self-love that I know. Some seasons are better than others when it comes to the way I see myself, but I stopped bowing down to the voice of destruction in my mind. Now, instead of resigning to negative thoughts, I pull out my journal and write things like this instead:

-       I can do this.

-       I am worthy.

-       I am valuable.

-       I am beautiful.

Instead of constantly crying out to God to fix my imperfections, I found that I can praise Him for the intricacy of my mind, the abundant blessings in my life, the air in my lungs. I can re-focus from all that is wrong with the world to instead on how I can be an agent of healing in it. No, I will never be able to conquer the thousands of problems I am aware of in society and across the nations, but I can choose to do what I can rather than doing nothing because I am so overwhelmed at the task ahead of me. 

Self-negativity is devastating and life-sucking. We all face it and we all hate it. We also don’t like to admit it if we are being honest with ourselves. The thing I have found is that I NEED to get it out. As irrational as it feels sometimes, I have to speak or write it to discover just how pointless those thoughts are. Satan has power in isolation and the isolation of your mind is a very dangerous place. If you don’t tell someone or write out those feelings, the devil has a way of tossing them up and around your mind before hiding them again for later on. You have to confront the negativity to overcome it and redirect it. 

Some tips for this:

1.     Write out your insecurities and then write an affirmation as an answer to each one of them. Even if you don’t believe the affirmation right then, you will over time.  

2.     Write “I am” statements, only empowering ones.

3.     When you are overwhelmed with negative feelings, write them out honestly and don’t feel guilty if you don’t have a happy resolution at the end. Visit your written thoughts again later when you are in a better space and then write that happy resolution you couldn’t see in the moment.

4.     Every morning, say out loud or write down ten things you are grateful for before scrolling social media, the news, or anything else. To take it a step further, search online for an inspirational quote as well and choose one person to share it with. Sharing positivity with others will always lift your mood and start your day in a brighter space.

5.     Try choosing one day each week to go without looking at your phone, apps, or the internet at all. For me, it is Sunday’s. Try to make it a consistent day so you can establish a long-lasting rhythm. 

I pray that if you have had similar experiences to me, that you know you are understood and seen. You are beautiful, perfectly made, and irreplaceable. Never give up in battling the enemy and his hidden tactics to discourage and devastate you. God’s voice is loving and constructive, it gives you a feeling of warmth and inspires you to grow. Satan’s voice backs you into a corner, stops you in your tracks, and feels like a burning sensation in your chest. Remember that the choice is ultimately ours to overcome negativity. Satan will try to make you feel powerless, but you are not. The power is in your hands no matter what the world tells you or even what your own mind tells you. Use that power for life instead of death.

I LOVE you guys. So, so much. Thank you for letting me be vulnerable with you. :)

Till next Sunday,

-Lexi Cummings