Singleness, Dating, and What Sits Beneath The Surface
5/24/20
Oh my goodness, what a week. Also, hello!
I ran a poll on my social media as to what topic I should write about and, by a narrow margin, ended up on singleness and dating. I had absolutely no idea what I would be getting myself into as this occurred, but I definitely ended up in much more than I bargained for.
I chose to approach this blog differently from any others before it- by researching my topic. I knew that I could spout from my personal experiences but felt that for a subject with this much complexity, I couldn’t outrightly say my opinions without support from other minds that are much more qualified to speak than mine alone. I was unintentionally put on this topic due to my personal experiences but have since found the larger picture to be alarming, intricate, and worth exploring more deeply. I had to stop going down several rabbit holes when the free resources I was allotted ran out, but only one week of exploring this subject will not solely do it justice. With that in mind and with your grace, I will begin.
So, being single and being in a relationship. Why do we all care so much? Well, I can’t speak for every country or culture but I can speak for America when I say that we have idolized both states of being. “You can be single and lonely just as easily as you can be married and lonely.” says Mo Isom, one of my favorite speakers and writers. She is absolutely correct in this statement as I am sure many of you besides myself have felt. But the inverse is true as well when she says “You can be single and purposed and passionate just as easily as you can be married and purposed and passionate.” If this is true, how do we get there? Alone or together, how do we find peace in the quiet of our journey or peace in the chaos of joining our story to another’s?
As I searched for answers amongst dating apps, technology, social expectations, personal experience, and the observation of many over the course of my lifetime, I was more perplexed than ever before. My aim this week was to keep things fairly simple, to even keep my Christian lens at a distance for the sake of being universal. However, after exploring more deeply in material search and in prayer, I cannot do that. While sitting on the surface is tempting, I am identified by the Enneagram as “The Reformer” or “The Perfectionist.” Basically, I am someone who can’t graze by without innately seeing where things could be better, stronger, and therefore, identifying the root problems that need to be addressed. So I could sit here and tell you to know your worth, who to pair with, red flags, and so on and I am sure it would be somewhat helpful. But instead, I want to show you what God has been revealing to me this week about what sits beneath the surface.
At first, my exploration began simply for articles that would have some good dating tips for the 21st century scene. I quickly found that any sources of substance touched on the unhealthy state of our morphed idea of sexuality; most every article briefly touched on pornography. I have typically avoided this topic in the past, but only because I looked at it like something that was far away and distant from myself or anyone I was close to. But after some experiences, I found myself seeing a common thread amongst many of the poor ones I have had with men in my life- this addiction that lingered within the shadows. I should note that it also effects women, according to research 1 in 3 viewers are women. But that still means that 2/3’s are men. While porn gives us unrealistic expectations of our partners, it is a root problem that leads to destruction in your relationships in general. It is actually recognized by the World Health Organization as a behavioral disorder called CSBD and is defined as “a persistent pattern of failure to control intense, repetitive sexual impulses or urges resulting in repetitive sexual behavior.”
Other statistics show that one of the most popular websites for this material received 30 billion hits in 2018 of which the United States was their biggest consumer, increasing in number from the previous year. There are 28,000 users who watch pornography every second and $3,000 spent on pornography every second. It is also shown that 56% of divorce cases involve a partner’s addiction to these websites. While I could throw a ton of other statistics at you, I will tell you the one I found most disturbing- there are 116,000 searches for “child pornography” every single day. That is 42,340,000 searches a year.
Because most people don’t go around advertising their addiction to porn on the first date or even after decades of their relationship with you in some cases, it is largely hidden in the dark and even normalized amongst men in particular. Now, why do I focus so much on men? Because I was reminded of something that hadn’t ever really occurred to me before. I had been close to it and all around it but I hadn’t seen it in its fullness until this past week- Now, I have mentioned before how I see Satan at work in this world, how he goes after us until we give up and resign to a half-rate version of life or worse. Well, I found that I was angry and that I have been angry. I have been angry about the experiences I have gone through with men, about the ways I see so many unhealthy patterns in their lives that are normalized. A few months ago, I found myself on a bit of a quest to discover any sources in popular media that encourage men in emotionally healthy and beneficial ways. For girls, I had discovered account after account of female focused content that encouraged us to work hard, dig deep, succeed, and be healthy inside and out. But for men? Not a single one of significance. The male celebrities that promote family values or emotional health? They may have been popular, but only because their fan base is largely female.
I say that to say I found myself spiraling in disappointment at the failures I saw in men. Family after family had daughters going to college and becoming successful while their brothers sat at home, got addicted to substances, didn’t pursue a college education or a trade. Some eventually went to the military or got some sort of job, but overall, they sold themselves so short. I was genuinely angry and confused at this and how they treated the dating scene as well. I have had men show up to dates late with no regard for letting me know, not opening the door, saying demeaning things to me while out on the first date, acting as uninterested as they could possibly get away with before and after the fact so as to not be vulnerable. I have had men genuinely hateful towards me for simply not reciprocating their advances and on several occasions I have been inappropriately touched without any consent in public spaces with no provoking and in broad daylight. Let alone on the small number of times I wanted to go dance with my girlfriends and found myself overwhelmed by discomfort at being approached, grabbed, and followed by countless men at clubs. I don’t go out anymore unless I have a guy friend with me and even places like the beach or the mall feel unsafe to me without a guy or several girls with me. I have witnessed first hand on many occasions how men respect men but not women.
The reason for all of this sickness? The reason that men are so lost? It is the one who corrupts, seeks evil, and steals joy- Satan. In my prayers this week, I was at a loss with my bitterness until God lovingly had me take a step back and revealed to me that my anger was aimed at the wrong source. I am no longer angry with men, but rather at Satan who works to corrupt them. Women are being forced to play both gender roles in so many cases, being violated, made to feel unsafe especially when alone, raising families while also being the main income source, such and so on. Men are choosing not to work or overdosing or cheating or abusing or disappearing. But why? Why is there so much mess? Satan has twisted many things in our society to his advantage. Now, this was a rabbit hole that I wasn’t able to get deep enough into but here are some of the things I found:
Percentage of American 25-to-29-Year-Olds With a Bachelor’s Degree or Higher. STEVEN JOHNSON / THE ATLANTIC
“…In 2015, the most recent year for which data is available, 72.5 percent of females who had recently graduated high school were enrolled in a two-year or four-year college, compared to 65.8 percent of men. That’s a big difference from 1967, when 57 percent of recent male high-school grads were in college, compared to 47.2 percent of women. This gender gap in college completion has been a long time in the making. In the early 1900s, when some elite colleges started opening up to women, women quickly got better grades than men, according to Claudia Buchmann, a professor of sociology at Ohio State and the co-author of The Rise of Women: The Growing Gender Gap in Education and What it Means for American Schools. In the 1970s, as more women started attending college, they started graduating at higher and higher rates, while men’s enrollment and graduation rates remained relatively flat…” - Alana Semuels
“…As the gender gap grows, there are wider implications for society. People are more likely to pair with others who have a similar educational background; as more women get postsecondary degrees than men, women will increasingly find their marriage prospects dimming. This is already happening in some areas of the country…” - Alana Semuels
“…About 70 percent of non-working men ages 21 to 30 live with a parent or close relative other than a spouse, according to the Hurst data; 20 percent live with a spouse or with friends…” - Alana Semuels
“According to data compiled by the Kaiser Family Foundation, men accounted for two-thirds of all opioid overdose deaths in Ohio in 2015, and the share is similar in many states across the country...” - Alana Semuels
Alana Semuels is a writer for The Atlantic and has written many articles on what appears to be the downfall of men in our society as well as the potential reasons behind it. Between job loss, pressures to be the toxic definition of “manly” and so on, there are many things that contribute to this deep problem that hurts all of us. Perhaps one of the most sad things I read in her articles was this: “Boys often feel pressured to act “masculine,” which can lead them to eschew school —one study showed that boys put a lot of effort into school are often labeled as “gay” or “pussies.” Yet boys who don’t buy into those stereotypes and participate in music, dance, or art, do better than other boys academically in eighth grade, according to Buchmann and DiPrete. Those different levels of engagement can make a difference for college attendance: students who reported getting mostly As in middle school have a 70 percent chance of completing college by age 25, while those who get mostly Cs have only a 10 percent chance.”
I will be linking all of my sources at the end of this blog, so you should go read some of these yourself if you are interested in seeing more. But I guess my point is that singleness and dating are a mess and a mess for many reasons. However, this doesn’t mean that there is no chance at a happy relationship or happy singular life. What it does mean is that no one is promised or entitled to a relationship. Both singleness and relationships are gifts in their own right and you tend to find someone by running hard and fast after your own contentment, stability, and purpose. Those who are of your caliber will run alongside you and join forces, but finding someone in a stagnant space is not going to benefit you or the other party. As I mentioned before, dating is not to take lightly because you are entering someone else’s story. You will have an impact, whether it be positive or negative. If you are not content on your own and pursuing your best self, you will not be able to enjoy the gift you have been given in singleness. And then, you will not be able to appreciate the gift you have been given in a relationship later on.
Tinder, Bumble, and all other means of online dating are not my favorite. It is hard to believe that terms like simp, cat-fishing, and ghosting are even in our vocabulary. It is anxiety inducing trying to jump through the hoops of technology in the current dating scene and hard to meet people in general. It is easier than ever to hide your secrets, to cheat, to manipulate, to lie. It is hard to trust people. However, God provides according to His will. And the first step is to toss culture aside because it places an unhealthy, unrealistic value on what a relationship means about your worth as a human being. It makes love into this god we should worship at any cost and always be seeking and it does the same thing to independence. When we have one, we want the other. It is a viscous cycle and it will never end until we choose differently for ourselves.
BE CONTENT wherever you are. Seek out your wounds, fears, and broken places. Heal them. Discover who you are to your core and what your purpose is. Someone will come along if they are meant to and you won’t have to seek them out. But when you face hardships along this road? Don’t direct your anger at the opposing gender, direct it at the brokenness in this world and the one who is responsible for perpetuating it. We are all just as confused as each other, trust me. Let’s have some grace for one another and be kind and respectful. For anyone who finds themselves tangled in addiction of any sort, be brave enough to reach out and seek help. I am not familiar with many resources, but know that Covenant Eyes is a place to start at least in regards to pornography. In regards to drugs and alcohol, help is abundant and hopefully easy to find. If you would like help finding sources, message me privately and I will see what I can do. We have made a lot of things okay in this world that aren’t okay, we have romanticized love and drugs and sex and drinking with popular media. But at the end of the day, no one can save us or change us outside of ourselves. We are our responsibility, not our partners or friends or parents. When the culture is wrong, only we can choose to live a countercultural life that will have the potential to influence what we have broken away from.
I also want to remind you of something if you do find that you have been on the poor end of a relationship, caused the harm, been the one hurting someone- there is so much grace for you. None of us will get it right all the time, but if it isn’t too late, turn away from the things that you know deep down are hurting your intimacy in relationships. If you can still save your relationship, save it. If it is already gone, work towards a better you in the future, make amends, focus on yourself. The dating world we are navigating is crazier than maybe ever before, but nothing can get in the way of God’s plan for your life.
This week was a lot and I am positive I did not do this subject enough justice so please feel free to question me, call me out, and give me your thoughts. I plan to keep digging into this subject in coming months and hopefully I will come out more well rounded and educated. For now, that is all! If you have made it this far, I appreciate you reading. Thank you for your support and for your time. Have a great week!
Till next Sunday,
-Lexi Cummings
Sources:
