Relationship Advice: Stop setting yourself up too high and be patient!!!
Relationship Advice: Stop setting yourself up too high and be patient!!!
I’ve been noticing some things about a lot of the relationships around me lately, and so I’d like to share some of my perspective/advice with the current men and women in my generation this week…
First, to the guys!
I feel like there is a push in our culture to not just woo, but to completely overdo it when you are pursuing someone; To prove that you are worth a girls time by making grand romantic gestures, falling in love in two weeks, planning extravagant dates, spending half of your savings account to make surprise trips just to be near someone for a few more hours than you would’ve been otherwise, spending even more money you don’t really have to get them nice gifts. You are supposed to say all of the right things, spend countless hours talking and being together and ignoring all other responsibilities.
Basically, overextending yourself. Which is 100% impossible to keep up with. And also, very unrealistic. And unhealthy. You are literally setting yourself up to fail miserably and to not only let the other person down, but yourself as well when you can’t maintain what you’ve started.
Now, hear me correctly- I am not by any means telling you to not pursue, to not be thoughtful, or to not set high standards for yourself in a relationship. But I am telling you to not set yourself up way too high and ruin incredible moments that would be spent much more meaningfully down the road.
KEEP IT SIMPLE BUT EFFECTIVE UP FRONT.
Instead of going to a steakhouse for your first date, plan a picnic and save yourself some money by making the sandwiches beforehand. It is more meaningful, less intimidating, and a more relaxed setting.
Don’t jump to the physical things. Wait a few dates before going in for the kiss, even if it feels like you could get away with it sooner. It is tempting to add that into the mix right away, but you want a solid foundation first. If you’re looking for the longterm, that is. You want to get to know the person before you emotionally or physically invest yourself.
Instead of spending your savings on a surprise plane ticket in the first month of a relationship, do it after six months or a year. At that point, you have established something meaningful. The effort will therefore mean much more to the other person than it would have early on.
Grand gestures are awesome and exciting, don’t get me wrong. But if they come too soon, they are inauthentic. They are simply an attempt to keep the initial romantic butterflies rolling for as long as possible. They are not to create sustainability, they are not to pour into the deeper, more vulnerable version of love; and because of this, your motivation to keep them up will not last. And when you go from detail oriented, excited to spend time with someone, responding in the first minute of every text, to slow but surely forgetting the little things, not asking questions, not planning dates, your significant other will feel disappointed. And you’ll feel stressed that you can’t make them happy as well as annoyed at how much they expect from you. Even though it was actually you who set the bar.
So I guess my generic point here is to keep up whatever pace you start at and grow steadily upwards, not downwards. It is almost like budgeting- it would almost be better for you to underpromise and overdeliver than to do the opposite. But really, just do what you say you will and be intentional. And don’t forget to keep being intentional. As the love grows, grow your efforts as well. Don’t give it all you’ve got upfront and take a downward spiral afterwards. Give it all you’ve got once you’ve built something solid that you are fully confident in working hard for. It will benefit you greatly in the long run and is a sign of maturity as well.
To my ladies!
It is really hard to know when someone truly cares. It is near impossible to sift through the random DM’s, the boys who stare at you but never approach you, giving the shy guy an extra chance, figuring out if the outgoing guy is just a player or not. We have a million social cues to decipher and conclude when it comes to potential men in our lives.
So my advice to you is to wait.
Yes, wait. Waiting literally sucks. And sometimes, it isn’t worth it. Actually, it isn’t worth it 99 out of 100 times. But regardless, I mean to “wait” in a few ways here:
Stop looking for a relationship. But don’t be closed off to one coming along, don’t say no to dates if you want to go on them, don’t settle for anything less than a real relationship physically with someone. I say this from an emotional standpoint- if you allow love to turn into instant gratification simply because you’ve given up hope on something real, or maybe you’re afraid of something real, or maybe you don’t have the time for a relationship, the real one in your future will suffer. And if you are busy or afraid or just not about feelings, then you also don’t have the time or capacity to take on a side project. In the end, it’s a trick. We think we can get away with a less committed relationship but the feelings follow anyway and we end up much more stressed and hurt and confused than we would be in a real relationship.
When someone begins pursuing you and does the grand gestures, says all the right things, is head over heels, and wants to label it right away- wait. Wait, wait, wait. Because you are seeing the top 10% of their personality in that phase but the 90% comes out later. This doesn’t mean that they are a bad person or not the person for you, but take your time. If you have boundaries that aren’t respected, if they can’t honor the fact that you want to get to know them better before diving in head first just because it feels great and spontaneous, then they aren’t looking for long term. Nothing is wrong with being excited for love, but something is wrong with being impatient for love. Test them before you commit. And if they are willing to hang in there with you, they may just end up being that 1 out of 100.
So for my ladies, know your worth. Know that you are worth pursuing, respecting, being committed to, and waiting for. Be confident in who you are and what you have to offer, love yourself first before you allow anyone else into that space. Because it will change you and your lifestyle. Be sure that it is worth it. And that they help you to love yourself better rather than the opposite. You will feel much safer knowing that the commitment is there and not just the sparks.
Till next time,
Lexi Cummings 11/7/19
https://linktr.ee/lexigailmusic
PS: Enjoy this picture of me still being embarrassingly swooned by my boyfriend way past the butterfly phase. We haven’t had a perfect journey but he’s always respected me and my boundaries. He’s a good one :))) AND SO HOT O.M.G.
