The struggles of being a sensitive people pleaser in the music industry

The struggles of being a sensitive people pleaser in the music industry

So I’ve been rediscovering something about myself: very, very few things can reduce me to tears. But the scenario with the most consistent results? When I feel I’ve disappointed someone.

I won’t say that my sole motivator in life is to make people like me, because that isn’t it. It is more so along the lines of doing everything the right way that someone has asked me to do it, being on time, reaching out when I don’t have to, being dependable, making a noticeable extra effort to prove my dedication. But unfortunately, no matter how many plates I can juggle and still get away with it, sometimes something will slip through the cracks.

And fortunately/unfortunately, I’ve also rediscovered something that I hate to admit and have no idea how to prove or explain to people: I am a bit challenged in learning. And by that I mean I flip letters, numbers, signs, I can’t tell my left from my right, I can’t really read a standard clock. I remember in first grade having to use my hands in the shape of L’s to tell where I was going. I also remember being positive that one day I’d get it. But I never did.

I also have a very real problem with paying attention and sitting still. I don’t know how many of you who are around me have noticed, but a foot is always tapping, I am picking at my cuticles, biting my lip, bouncing around, doodling in my notes. Especially when I am doing music, I can’t stand still to save my life. There was this one time my freshman year of HS when I joined a regional choir and we were on the last day of gearing up for the concert. We were all standing in the school’s choir room and being directed by a woman, I am not sure of her name now. But I guess I kept swaying and looking too many places in the room other than her and so she told me to stop. So I did. But without fail and without me meaning to, I started to do it all again and had no idea that I was. So she called me out again and that is when I couldn’t choke myself back. I felt like I was ruining the experience for the other 40 girls around me and that something was just wrong with me. Unfortunately, there was no where to escape and so I had to hide in a corner to cry which was still very visible to everyone. So other directors got worried about me, tried to comfort me, had no idea what to do. And neither did I. I had never, ever cried in front of strangers in a public place before and I didn’t understand why I couldn't stop. Which of course made it worse.

From there, I got to college and began piano lessons. I would leave every single one nearly in tears, usually able to make it back to my dorm before releasing them. For an entire year and a half. Until finally, my teacher realized that when I had been practicing the wrong thing all week, that it wasn’t a lack of my trying- I genuinely thought that I was right. I couldn’t read a rhythm to save my life. I switched the staffs and the notes back and forth, but I would genuinely and truly think I had it right when I practiced. If there wasn’t a reference on YouTube somewhere, I would never know if I was wrong. I had to write numbers onto my fingers because I could never figure that out either. My technique was always wrong somehow even when I wrote it out on my hands as a visual. And so basically, I struggled endlessly until I passed my proficiency. Once my teacher understood me, we began to get along great. But getting to that point was miserable for me because I kept disappointing her, giving her a bad impression of my work ethic, and I couldn’t fix myself and make it better. And every time I tried to explain why, it felt like a poor and unworthy excuse.

I hate to say that things can’t improve, because they can in some aspects. But for me, I take hours to do a mediocre job of what someone without all of those extra hurtles can do in minutes.

The same comes with my experience of charting the Nashville Number System, which I felt a huge sting from just recently-

So basically, I had quite the week last week. I had some health problems flare back up, some decisions to make rapidly that shook my foundation as a human being and as an artist. And so I missed a deadline to send some charts in by a certain day. Half of that was at how overwhelmed I was with my personal life and health, and some of that was at my fear of charting. So they ended up being sent in two days late.

I know how to do it, I went through 6 semesters of music theory. I passed my piano proficiency at the end of my sophomore year. And yet, I will chart a song, listen back three times, think I am right, and end up holding the band up for ages over all the changes they’ll inevitably have to make. So I needed help making them and no one was able to even respond to me about it because our lives are all too insane. And so I made my charts, sent them in, and was under the impression that they were right. Because again, I understand charting. Just like I understand math. But it never comes across in the work.

Needless to say, I had no idea how badly it would go. Or how badly I would feel after. I don’t drop the ball, I am not unreliable. I put the greatest weight in my life on my character and dependability, how efficiently I can get a task done and make other people’s lives easier. So when discussion arrived afterwards pointing out how the lateness caused the musicians to cancel other rehearsals, how their time was not respected, how Nashville doesn’t need another great singer but it needs a dependable artist, we won’t be viewed the same way now after that experience, etc, I was pretty much sad with no hope of return. I kept drinking water because that is the only way I can prevent myself from being emotional and I left as soon as I could.

I slept all of two hours last night and woke up to a swollen face that honestly looked like i’d had an allergic reaction to something. I haven’t had that face going in almost two years since my Nana passed away.

It took me a lot of self digging to fix my perspective today, starting with the fact that those in attendance that evening, while with the best intentions, don’t know my ins and outs. They don’t know my emotional triggers. And while they may know a decent bit about my career life, they don’t always know my personal life or my health struggles. While they saw what appeared to be a lack of effort on my part, I see the full picture. I see the extra effort I’ve made behind the scenes to coordinate two set lists, posters, BGV’s, keys, promotion, and more for both of the ensembles I’m in. And even though my charts were late, I still made my best effort to turn in what I thought was a quality product.

They speak with the intention of encouraging us to hold ourselves to high standards in our future professional endeavors. They can’t help that I already hold myself to unrealistic ones and that tough love to me feels like being broken down.

So I guess my take away here is that it sucks to let someone down, to make someone else’s life harder and more stressful than it already is. Especially in this kind of an industry where we are all stretched very thin. But at the same time, there is always a story woven beneath the surface that you can’t expect people to understand. You also can’t use it as an excuse. And so sometimes, even if the picture is larger, you suck it up and apologize and move forward. And hope that your track record isn’t wiped aside due to the miss.

I hate to admit that I have struggles. But in the same respect, I have an ear like few others I’ve ever come across. If you show me what to do visually, I can follow you in two seconds. I can’t arrange sheet music, but I can arrange the parts on my DAW and hand it off to someone to dictate. I can create 5 different harmonic parts on the spot. I can memorize an entire song, lyrics and all, in less than an hour when I need to. I may not make incredible charts, but I can attempt for the sake of growing and let someone else help me to complete the final touches. Or to pick it to pieces and let me start from scratch. I have a love for learning and I am dependable, even if every so often, I just don't end up with the control in the situation.

To my fellow friends who resonate with this, please please don’t take every negative personally. Please don’t stop believing in your art and yourself. Because I am very guilty of that and I am still in a stage of desiring approval. I want someone to tell me I can do it. But I need to convince myself that I can and stop loosing myself in the sea of opinions. We all have our own set backs, whether it be learning differently than most, past trauma, physical ailments, a bad week, and so on. But God made us perfectly; practice believing this with your whole heart, even when you fall short. And keep pushing forward.

“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” Psalm 139:14

Till next time,

Lexi Cummings, 10/31/19

https://linktr.ee/lexigailmusic

(Sneak peak of a new song beneath the photo ;))