The Answer To Pain
9/16/20
Hi there!
So, my title this week is pretty bold. There are a million different answers to the question of pain, some healthier than others. But more often than not, it feels like there is no true answer. Not one we want to hear, anyways. You can’t tell someone going through deep sorrow that it will get better, that time heals the wound, that it’ll all work out somehow. Answers like that don’t help anyone and don’t tell the whole story. There isn’t really a singular answer to pain while you’re staring it in the face, so I am writing this as someone who has discovered a perspective that aids in suffering rather than someone who has all of the answers.
Pain- we all go through it. And at the same time, we all perceive it differently. For those of you who are not into psychology or personality tests, you should be. Not only for your sake, but for the sake of those around you. One I would recommend for getting a general gage of your sensitivity level is called The Big Five which I will link here:
For those of you who are unfamiliar, the above link is one of the most scientific personality tests with the least amount of generalizations. Things like Myers-Briggs or the Enneagram type you very specifically, whereas this one tests you on five specific and universal traits that all humans possess. This is not to say that I don’t agree with tests that type you or go more in depth, but for those of you who feel safer with science and less with theory and don’t enjoy labels, this is a good one to take.
I mention it more specifically for its final category- neuroticism. In essence, it speaks to your personal sensitivity level. How much are you affected by loud noises, stressful situations, and emotional stimuli? I find it painful how many people think that the way they perceive life is universal. Their judgement towards those who are different than them is both highly unproductive and unreasonable. Some people are innately more or less sensitive to their surroundings than others and there is no right or wrong way to be, but both sides should be patient with the other.
In the spirit of being vulnerable, here are my scores from the first time I took the test:
Openness: 100%
Conscientiousness: 65%
Extraversion: 46%
Agreeableness: 79%
Neuroticism: 67%
For those more interested in seeing what your scores mean, here is another link for you! And an easy way to remember what they are is with the acronym, “OCEAN” as I highlighted above. I would link a better article, but this is the most accessible one I could find. I don’t really agree with their explanation of a few traits, but it’s better than nothing for now!
Why do I mention all of this? What does your personality have to do with pain, trauma, suffering, and emotions? Don’t we all go through the same feelings?
The answer is yes, we do. And no one’s pain is more valid than anyone else’s, but my hope here is that everyone walks away better knowing themselves and being more empathetic to those around them. Because in the way that each child has a different style of learning, everyone feels and processes their suffering in a unique way.
Because I am only truly qualified to speak from my personal experience, I will use my life as an example- When my pup passed away recently, my sister and I had very different approaches and responses to it. I am the type that has to be there, who has to have a final goodbye and hold their hand all the way to the bitter end. My sister is the type that has to isolate, process and, if she can, avoid being there in the last moments. So when my mom called me and told me that she would have to put him down a day before I was able to fly home, my heart instantly shattered. Even still, I drove to Savanna’s place and sat in my car while my parents were with Midnight at the vet just to be near someone I loved and to help her in case she needed me for any reason. Savanna had left her phone somewhere and stayed in her bedroom, so when I texted her to ask for a hug (I was losing it, an emotional mess. lol. I never do things like that.) she never saw it and felt super bad later on.
Had I had things my way, I would’ve been in Florida with my baby. Savanna would have preferred to stay in Tennessee in the way that it ended up happening. In either case, we were both correct. There was not a right or wrong way to handle that situation. I sat in my car and sobbed until I ended up with an eye infection from my mascara running, waiting for the text from mom and Savanna tuned things out until after the moment had passed. Ultimately, we both lost our dog and we are both still sad about it. It would be tempting for me to think of Savanna as insensitive, cold, selfish even. But that would be utterly false and completely untrue. She could think of me as overly-sensitive, emotional, and dramatic. But that would also be utterly false and completely untrue.
My point? We are different people who, when we have a choice, will experience our grief differently.
For those of you who know me, I do everything in my power to cry alone if I cry at all. Savanna is more vulnerable with her friends and will allow herself to be emotional around people she trusts. In moments of loss, only my mom, dad, and Savanna will see me in complete breakdown mode. I don’t lose it often, but when I do, it is bad. Savanna will release her feelings more often and doesn’t hold in her anger/frustration as much as I do. At the end of the day? We both feel, process, and release our pain at different frequencies and intensities, but it gets out one way or another.
I am sure that most of you are brainstorming at this moment, thinking about how you experience pain compared to a loved one and how they do. That is good! My goal is for you to take the time to do just that; to put in the hard work to understand what you need to process pain and what those close to you also need. It isn’t easy, but it is easy to judge and dismiss because we may not understand others at first. I am here to challenge you to see that there is no right answer or right way. Some things take some people longer to get over, some things go away quickly. How many times have you felt judged for either holding on for “too long” or not caring for “long enough?” For reacting in a way that is “too strong” or “too calm?” Well, we’ve all done it to each other. And we need to stop.
When my Nana was actively passing away a few years ago, I flew down to Florida and spent every possible moment by her bedside. I was even fearful to go to the restroom for five minutes because I didn’t know how much longer we had with her. I sat there and held her hand, re-applied her chapstick every few hours, sang her songs, and at the very end had my ear to her chest until I couldn’t hear her heart beat anymore. It has been almost three years since then and I can barely look at pictures of her (even though she is still the lock screen on my phone and her prayer card is in the back of my phone case) or talk about her still. Even typing this is creating a lump in my throat.
When I got back to campus a few days after the fact, my social club was in the middle of pledge week activities. I had texted our President with my situation and she responded kindly, but I was later met with some hostility from other leadership members who were unhappy that I hadn’t communicated the times I would miss to them specifically and requested I pay fees for missing the events. That was a fun one to spend time going back and forth about. On top of this, I had several other deadlines for classes I had missed work in when I flew home and I was struggling to juggle everything accordingly. While not every encounter I had was ideal, I was also met with a lot of love and understanding in other areas. But, regardless of what anyone else did, I was not okay for a long time. There was no amount of mean or nice people that could fix that. I chose to be with Nana in Florida even though I didn’t have to be, knowing I would pay the price later. But I made my peace with that. Even though I knew it would likely make the pain deeper and my semester more stressful, it was how I chose to experience that pain and I didn’t feel the need to justify that to anyone around me.
That is enough about me. My point is that everyone is different and no one way is the right way. And a final note to leave you with- I mentioned briefly in my last blog how if we understood God, that He wouldn’t be worth worshipping. Another bold statement if I might say! And the thing is, pain falls into that category.
I believe that everyone deserves their moment to sulk, wallow, and feel their suffering fully. You should do that, in fact, rather than run from it. But after that moment passes, consider this: You live one single life, one single experience, one single perspective. You only see the effects of suffering on you and maybe your immediate surroundings. What you don’t see is everything before and everything still to come. For someone to say that God isn’t good, loving, or even real due to their own suffering is simply too weak of an answer.
I don’t say that in ANY WAY to dismiss or make someones suffering smaller. If someone came up to me and declared that they stopped believing in God after the death of their son/daughter, I would have no right to tell them they are wrong. But what I will say is this- If you take a step back, look at the entirety of the world, human existence, technology, philosophy, science, intelligence, and creation in general, how can your singular experience disqualify God?
If that sounds insensitive, I greatly apologize. It is not my intention. I say this as someone who has gone through deep sorrows myself. I say this as someone who has debated the very same thing and come to the conclusion that I am simply just too small to understand suffering, or even joy fully. And the best part? I am not supposed to! I have discovered that when I put my ego and my pride aside, (yes, even in my personal pain) I gain much more perspective and healing than I would otherwise. I worship a God who challenges me daily and let me tell you, it isn’t an easy path to pursue. But it is more than worth it. I don’t know why bad things happen, but I know that gaining the ability to reflect God’s light in the darkest of places gives hope to those who need it even more than you do. There is no stronger love than one that has been battle tested, no stronger faith than one that has been persecuted.
I challenge you to draw near to God in your pain, not to run away. And I challenge you to discover how you process it best as well as the ones you hold most dear. Life is hard enough without having to justify ourselves to the ones we need support from the most in times of sorrow.
I hope that all of you continue to grow in love, kindness, empathy, and awareness that we all are unique in many ways. Let us celebrate that and also learn from each other! Let us strengthen our faith as a collective people, chosen and set apart by The Creator of the universe. Let us welcome every low valley and mountain top moment that will come, knowing we have a hope beyond the blink that is our experience on Earth. I love you all!
Until next Sunday,
-Lexi Cummings
