Where I Am At Lately
9/10/20
Hi,
I have been stumped for a few weeks now when it comes to blogging and any writing in general. I figure the best thing I could do this week is share where I am at currently with a few life things…
I recently moved my previous roommate, my sister, and myself last month to three different locations. It was a wild time to say the least!
My sweet pup, Midnight, passed away after 14 years of being one of the most consistent lights in my life.
My sister has recently been involved in two completely freak accidents (of which neither are her fault) and seeing her in emotional/physical pain has made me into a bit of a monster lately- because there is only so much I can do to help, I have been a bit more irritable and closed off than I normally am.
I am in the process of visiting with several doctors, trying to figure out a few things health wise for myself that I have struggled with for years. While we have ruled out the more severe conditions, I am still a bit stumped as to how I can get back to the healthiest, fullest version of myself. And as I am sure many of you know, the things you can’t see are the biggest pains to tackle.
Since the pandemic started, I had to finish the last of my college career online, I had a virtual graduation, I discovered what the enneagram was, and I have become a sort of dual resident between Nashville and Tampa.
While my initial plans were moved back by several months, I did begin recording for my very first EP recently and I am now in the process of planning a music video to be shot in December as well as some other things in the interim.
I have started running again for the first time in nearly 8 years. While it hasn’t been perfect, working out and exercising are finally within my reach again. For a long time, any form of intense physical activity caused me pain and I could never push through it. But things are looking up lately!
While this isn’t everything that has happened, it is more vulnerable than I have been in a long time. I have been very hard on myself over why I can’t think of anything encouraging to share with you all, knowing that I only had so much momentum in the first place and I have likely lost most of it by now. This year has been really hard in some good ways and some bad ways. I tried for a long time to not give into the negativity surrounding 2020, but between my life and the world around me, I have at this point. I am finally admitting that it has not been a walk in the park, it has been anything but. And instead of trying to “positive blog” my way through the things I have struggled with, I am going to just be honest this week.
I don’t have a big, encouraging message or anything to provoke your thinking this time around. But I do have some reminders for you:
It is okay not to be okay. (Yes, you’ve heard this before. Probably everywhere. But it still rings true.)
The world is changing and so are you- we are all figuring this out for the first time. Stop being so hard on yourself.
If you stay still and listen to your heart, things will start coming up. You will likely not enjoy sifting through the mess of it, but you should do it anyway.
If we could understand God, what he allows and what he sends, what he stops and destroys, what he wants for our individual and collective stories to be, then he would not be worth worshipping. I worship a God that I have come to know in glimpses and small puzzle pieces; a God that has given me miracles out of thin air and at other times stood in utter silence when I felt most alone. I worship a God who has answered my prayers in more beautiful ways than I ever could have imagined and also in ways that destroyed my heart because they were the opposite of what I wanted. But, no matter what, I have learned to trust that His will is better than mine. I have learned that God is worth loving because His love for me is incomprehensible and never-ending. He is too big for me to understand in this singular perspective and lifetime of mine and that is the beauty of it.
You aren’t perfect, but you are worthy.
You are loved, seen, and known.
You have a purpose.
You are going to make it.
If you are still reading, thank you. I know I have not been as consistent lately and I have not said everything perfectly in the last year since I began this journey, but I appreciate all of you who have stuck with me. I hope that soon I can get my drive back. I am working very hard to do so! I love you all and I’m always here if you need me!
Till next Sunday,
-Lexi Cummings
