Why You’re Not Actually Angry

8/14/20

Hey everyone!

I have been doing some living these last few weeks and a lot of thinking. In summary? I have noticed a lot of anger being revealed not only in my heart, but in hearts around the entire world. One of my pastors said something last week that really hit me, and it was to the effect of this: God knows your heart. He knows what you are inclined to say and do in any given situation. So why does he continue to place us in trials and spaces that will challenge us if he already knows the answers? He does it to experience our hearts. 

It is one thing to know about someone, but another to be present in the moments and situations that make up their lives. God knows where we could be better, where we are succeeding, where we are hurting. But until he brings us to points where those things reveal themselves, we cannot grow. And he cannot grow in us. 

I think back to my childhood often in order to compare how my mindsets have changed over the years. I always looked at adults and wondered why they were constantly angry, rushing, frustrated, and seemingly out of touch with how beautiful the world was around them. In that space, I didn’t have deadlines or even truly understand the concept of time. I also was naïve to a lot of the evils, pressures, and responsibilities that adults face. But I constantly found myself dreading age; never wanting to lose the joy I had inside of me. I have battled to keep it intact with each milestone, year, and birthday. But you know what? I often lose.

What is my point in saying all of this? Basically, life is incredibly complex and complicated. I spent the day yesterday on a walk at Sevier park and found myself staring at the leaves of the trees and the clouds as I went. I probably looked a little odd doing it, honestly. But I was happy to be in God’s presence and to not be so concerned with a schedule. I took my time to notice every beautiful detail around me. But that night when I was trying to fall asleep? I had a million questions for God. I was angry about things I have seen in the news, things in my life, the general principles of what it means to be a human. I questioned if God ever hears me, if I am too broken to find my way back to His full presence, if I have too much damage to be capable of what I aspire to in my future. 

God met me with grace and this realization- I am not angry. But then what is it that builds up in my heart each time I see a family lose a loved one, each time I read a news article, each time someone lies, each time the bad guy rises to the top, each time I see any assortment of evils in this world? I get “angry” when I see the people I love trapped in states of denial. I get “angry” when I can’t tell where the line is with God’s law and God’s grace. So, what have I unknowingly done? Set my expectations dangerously low. And not just in regard to the people or situations in my life, but also in regard to what I believe God is capable of.

If I am being honest, I don’t expect Him to do miracles. I don’t expect Him to heal people. I don’t expect Him to save me from temptation. I don’t expect Him to actually care about what ails me or my friends or my family. And so, I speak half-hearted prayers and I don’t ask for much so that when it doesn’t come, I won’t be let down.

Does this sound like you, too? If so, be honest. It is okay to find yourself stuck in a place like this. It makes sense to battle faith because it can’t be real without testing. But the thing I always find about God is that, for as much as I don’t even realize I am testing Him, He comes through. When He doesn’t have to and when I have absolutely no right to even challenge, He gives me grace time and time again. He shows up time and time again. 

In this space where we are seemingly far from the finish line of peace and prosperity, it is okay to question. But I beg you- release your anger. Each morning and each night. Command it to leave your body, mind, and soul. Because anger is simply a Band-Aid for anguish, sorrow, and mourning. When you think you are angry, you are really hurting. You are sad, disappointed, broken. We lash back at life and at God because it makes us feel like we have power and control, but we don’t. So, instead of denying our wounds, command the anger to go. Because until we do that, we will not realize what is sitting at the root of it. And if you never discover what is hurting you, you can’t heal it.

I think I am angry, but I am really just as broken as everyone else. When God slowly revealed this to me, I went through a whole week with a different memory each day. One day, I mourned both of my grandfathers. One day, I mourned my Ema and Nana. One day, I mourned the loss of my childhood innocence. One day, I mourned the brokenness in my family. Etc. I didn’t even realize what God was doing until after the fact- He was drawing my wounds into the light. Why? Because I had lowered my expectations, accepted that things would never change, and hid my pain deep within the messy closet of my heart. 

I tell you- you have some wounds that will never heal completely. But in the same way that every so often, you should organize your closet, organize your heart. You may have a t-shirt that is old, but you can’t seem to give up. You may keep it for a year or for ten years, but maybe one day, you’ll give it away. You may need to toss a few worn out pairs of socks or shoes each year. You may simply need to reorganize everything so you can clearly see what is still there, what is not, and where everything goes so that you can find it easier in the future. For the pains that make up your story and never leave your closet, there are countless more that will fade away quickly and need to be discarded instead of organized. But if you don’t keep up with your closet, they may linger there for years in the shadows. They will cause you anguish and anxiety that you truly don’t need. Other times? You may need to let a friend borrow your jacket to help them get through the storm you have already lived through. If you don’t know where anything is or what is even there at all, it makes your life harder and keeps you from loving others as well as you could otherwise.

I encourage you to stop being angry. Be sad, be hurt, be confused instead. Give yourself permission to feel and to question God. He will always show up; just keep your eyes and hearts open to His ways. Take off the blinders of what you think that God should do and allow God to do what he knows you actually need. 

I love you all. Thanks for reading this. Stay strong and know that I am always here!

Till next Sunday,

-Lexi Cummings

Photo Credits: Ines Lopez