Vulnerability Battles Loneliness
Vulnerability Battles Loneliness
1/17/20
Hey everyone!
It’s been a long week over here for me, but a very reflective one as well. I just know that I am learning in a deep way exactly what it means to be vulnerable and how it can be a useful tool to all of us. It is also one that I have seen in very short supply lately, at least for myself.
Vulnerability is a means of knowing your true self and then showing it. And it is something I struggle with a lot- I so badly want everyone to feel loved and accepted that I often keep quiet and just agree when I am discussing an opinion that I don’t really agree with. I try to sit still, not judge, not make anyone feel bad. And then I end up feeling completely alone in a huge crowd of people. I feel like no one sees me because who could? I have made myself into a chameleon just to spare others the discomfort of my true, silly, passionate, opinionated, loud, and obnoxious self that few people know exists.
I could name a million different scenarios, but I will just mention one on here: About a year ago, I was beginning to meet some people in my college journey due to a few new relationships in my life. They were on completely different sides of the social system from where I sat and the kinds of people who had never really invited me in before then. One evening, I was with several of them talking for a while and at one point the conversation turned to me in regards to my social club, Phi Nu… The only girls who accepted me in the greek life system when I least deserved it, who gave me a community when I was about to give up on college. And so a comment was made to the effect of “They aren’t really that cool, but you don’t seem like you’re super involved with them.” Basically, they slammed my club and gave me an out to say that maybe I just happened to end up there but I didn’t have to be uncool like them. And I’ve never told any of my friends about this moment because I just let it pass me by. I was very unhappy with myself about it as well. I got home and realized that I gained absolutely nothing from my time with any of them that night, that I basically denied the only group of people on the entire campus who accepted me for all of me, and that they deserved better.
To all of my incredible pals in Phi Nu, I am sorry. You guys have been my steadfast during college and I can’t thank all of you enough for loving me and for being so accepting of everyone on campus who needs a home base. My lack of speaking up for you guys seems like a tiny moment, but I always seem to fail the most in those. Which leads me to my larger point- these tiny, seemingly insignificant moments build our walls up very high. We don’t even notice how one brick at a time, we hide a tiny piece of ourselves with every small lie, denial, laugh at a joke that we find hurtful, agreeable attitude towards a subject we don’t actually agree with. We water ourselves down.
I’ve pretended to agree with comments and mindsets that I didn’t because I loved someone so much. I’ve pretended that things were okay when that was the very last thing they were. I’ve hidden my mental health, my pain, my struggles to carry someone else’s weight when I didn’t really have the capacity to. I’ve allowed others to be completely seen, loved, and accepted by me when they never had any interest in returning the favor and I knew that. Ultimately, I ended up hiding myself away from the ones who really loved me just to protect relationships where I would never be appreciated or taken care of.
After everything, I am on the brink of learning something that I hope will prevent my ever falling into those kinds of relationships ever again: Vulnerability battles loneliness. And vulnerability takes a lot of courage. I was listening to a Brené Brown broadcast that was shared on Facebook earlier and she spoke on this subject quite a bit. And one of the most impactful things I remember her saying was how when we are all so afraid of being lonely that we change ourselves to fit in, it results in actual loneliness. And I have been very lonely, in fact, right next to someone who knew more about me than anyone else in my life. How does that make any sense??
It doesn’t. It shouldn’t. And so I am deciding that in this next chapter, I will not shove down my needs, my quirks, my beliefs and ideas anymore. I deserve people that embrace me and my dreams because that is what I am willing to do for them.
Vulnerability gives you freedom, but it also brings more pain and supposed “loneliness” even if it is just temporary. However, I’ve found that I will never truly belong until I learn to love and stand up for myself. Until I learn how to walk away gracefully and how to only accept the kind of love I am willing to give. Which is a LOT.
So on the title of this blog… I don’t know if it works for certain. I haven’t been living it. I don’t know that I ever will perfectly. But I can start with the fact that I know who I am. I know that I have a heart for others and my dream is to give a voice to the voiceless. I know that there are people who will love me and people who will hate me. And even though I hate being hated, I will have to just pray for them every day and keep going. Because when I get to tell my close friends about my deepest places, when I get to pour into people who love me and truly see me, I am refilled in a way that I can’t explain. We all deserve that. There are people out there for all of us. But we won’t find them until we throw the bricks we’ve been using to build our walls into the abyss. We won’t find them until we stop chasing after them and stop begging for their approval. If you have to do that, you’re looking at the wrong people. People that will be temporary, leave you when the next better thing comes along or when life gets hard. You deserve more than that. Don’t settle for anything less.
I challenge you this week to take a look around. Make a list of the people in your life that you believe would stick with you in your darkest moments, that would love you no matter what you’ve done, that would accept you for all that you are whether it is beautiful or ugly, that would never give up on you. Who would you feel safe telling your deepest secrets to? Who do you trust with your life?
Who are they?
Now go tell them. Life is too short to not.
Till next Sunday,
Lexi Cummings
Say hello to Shelbi, Aubrea, and Mackenzie. Some of the lovely ladies from my fall pledge class during sophomore year. <3