Why You’ll Never Be Enough For The Wrong Person

7/21/20

So, let’s talk about romantic relationships this week. This is a subject I have been avoiding as a focus for a little while now, but only because it is an easy pit to fall into and one that I only want to dig into when I really have something to say.

I recently came across an article, like many others I’ve seen, and found myself rather alarmed by its message… Basically, it claimed that certain qualities and mindsets keep you from being “girlfriend material” with some additional insights that I didn’t particular see eye to eye with.

Don’t get me wrong, I think every individual regardless of gender should be personally secure before venturing into a serious partnership. But that point was poorly executed in this piece and, when I took a deeper look, that ended up not being the message at all. 

If you care for the specific link to the article, message me personally. I will not mention it here because it was really just the cherry on top of many similar articles that place pressures and tasks on women that are not their sole responsibility. 

I see post after post about what women should do in the context of dating; how they can’t be too accessible but also not too prude, how they aren’t asking for respect by wearing certain things but aren’t flattering themselves while wearing others. We shouldn’t be “dramatic” because men gravitate towards what makes them “feel good” and those are just the “hard facts.” If you lead with sex or intimacy, expect the chemistry to fizzle out and make sure to blame it on the fact that you didn’t make him work for it! All the while, I have personally found that some men will wait YEARS just to make a move if they have to, and then they will still leave once they get what they want. In my opinion? Love is a gamble regardless of what you do and every single situation is different. There is no universal approach, and terms like “girlfriend” or “wife” material are completely overrated and can be used to put women into a box.

For me personally, I bought into a lot of bogus about my self-worth when I was younger. I thought I was more worthy of love or more likely to find a good man if I was good myself, if I didn’t go to parties, put myself in risky scenarios, drink, act on my impulses. I thought if I saved myself, then it would be worth the wait. The problem with this mindset? There are a few, actually.

1.     It makes me more vulnerable to manipulation, as it is easy for a man to come along and say/do the right things for a while. Once they gain my trust and my walls come down, they try to take whatever they can physically get and still leave because they know my expectations for a relationship are above what they are willing to commit to. It makes me an easy target for men who like a challenge.

2.     Expecting someone to be “worth my wait” places a pressure on them that isn’t fair. No relationship I ever have will be perfect and hoping for someone to absolve all of my personal sacrifices isn’t their responsibility. I should make those sacrifices for me and me alone, not for someone I don’t even know yet.

3.     Even though I have been relatively single for most of my life, this mindset leads me to make my decisions based on a man. And not only that, but a man I don’t even know yet that may not even exist. And if he does, a man who is not perfect either; a man that, if he is for me, will love me regardless of whether or not I am spotless. If a man doesn’t exist who will love me regardless of my past, I would rather be alone.

4.     While the choices I made helped me to avoid more heartache than not, to avoid extra social drama, and while the choices I made were healthy and smart, I shouldn’t have been making them with the idea that my self-worth was wrapped up in my ability to adhere perfectly to my morals. I shouldn’t have made them with a secret fear in the back of my mind that my future husband would look at me with disgust one day for my past if I did the latter, that he would have to “forgive” my shortcomings when they aren’t his to forgive. I shouldn’t have made choices with the fear that if I slipped up one too many times, I would eventually strike out and miss out on love entirely because I didn’t deserve it anymore. The thing with relationships is this- There is nothing we can do to deserve one. And no perceived failure can keep us from what is in store for us if it is what is really meant for us.

The idea that I pushed myself to keep high standards and to grow constantly as a person for a figurative man baffles my mind now. I waited and waited and waited and waited some more. I endured heartaches, confusion, loneliness, harassment, stalking, and a lot of tricky waters just as many of my fellow females have also gone through. But the thing is, I always did what I was “supposed to do.” I wore the right things, said the right things, played the right games. I made men wait. I cooked them food, folded their clothes, bought them intentional gifts. I put my life aside to be there for them emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I took care of them, supported them, encouraged them. I did everything “right.” And it still wasn’t enough! I ran into the same problems that every woman I know goes through with men, regardless of the romantic approach they choose to take.

When I see articles that make women feel like they are the problem, that they won’t get a boyfriend until they change this thing or that thing, I literally want to scream. Because imagine how vulnerable you are when you have had a path that isn’t spotless in societies eyes! If I hadn’t held myself to the standards I mentioned before, I would read something like that and then view myself as a piece of work, someone who isn’t worthy of a valid and stable connection. But because I have done everything in the way I was “supposed to,” I see through that scam. You can do everything right and STILL not be enough for the wrong person. Nothing you do or don’t do can disqualify you from having a loving relationship even if the world wants you to think so.

News flash: People aren’t perfect and you can’t expect them to be. Women will mess up; men will mess up. So why is it that women are, in general, expected to accept a man and all of his good/bad qualities, to stay loyal no matter how miserable she is, and yet men are not? It is acceptable for a man to write off or not commit to a woman because she shows too much skin, speaks too boldly, has a mood swing, has “baggage” from previous relationships, or has what they call “daddy issues.” It is encouraged to figure out “what is wrong” with a woman, even once you are in a committed relationship with her. And men are often encouraged by their friends to act like something is wrong with their girlfriend even when there isn’t a particular issue. This is because it is usually lame to dote on a woman, to talk highly of her, to prioritize her. It is much more popular to sexualize her or demean her when she is not there. And no, I can’t generalize every group of guys. But I can say that between popular media and many personal experiences, I have a pretty strong idea of how things look behind the scenes for a lot of guys in many different age groups. While women aren’t perfect in this category either, it is more socially acceptable to openly love your partner as a female. It is more acceptable to post about them, talk highly of them, and to ask friends for constructive advice when an issue arises.

My thing is- our behavior is not dependent on someone else, but on us as individuals no matter of the cultural standards around us. There is a way to honor the people you say you love, regardless of gender or status or race. And regardless of the situations you find yourself in.

If a woman makes herself easily available, a man can choose to say no. If a woman asks for you to not respect her, a man can still choose to respect her. If a woman instigates an argument with you over something, a man can choose to not escalate the problem and get to the root of the hurt instead. If a woman has past hurts, a man can choose to accept her for all that she is and not make her feel beneath him. And the same goes for the other way around.

A good example of this in male form would be one of my close cousins. While on vacation, a very beautiful girl kept approaching him over the course of one evening. She drank quite a bit and by the end of the night made some very bold passes, asking him to do just about whatever he wanted to her. Instead of taking this very easy opportunity, he declined. And he not only did this, he made sure she got back to her hotel room safely.

Don’t hear me the wrong way- I don’t recommend women to take this approach by any means. What my cousin did was a decent human thing, he did what you would expect any person with self-control and respect for others to do. But you can’t just expect every man to do the same, because while a large majority would, a handful would not. My point is that I would define my cousin as a man, and a good one at that. Who probably doesn’t even know that I know this story.

In summary, I want culture to stop putting so much gravity in romantic relationships on women and their choices. I think it is a two-way street; I think we should all be working on ourselves individually for our OWN good, not to try and stack the romantic odds in our favor. I promise you, man or woman, it is easy to do this subconsciously. So, take time and reflect on it. Maybe you are a man in my boat who has “done everything right,” similar to my cousin. And maybe you are finding the same truth that I have- it doesn’t change a thing. Being a “good” person doesn’t make your life better or make your prospects more favorable and it doesn’t mean you are entitled to anything either; in truth, it makes life and love much more difficult. The point is that you should respect yourself for YOU and for no one else; not for a parent or a sibling or a significant other or a future significant other, but for you. Because you know that it will be good for you to avoid drinking too much, to avoid getting attached to someone who doesn’t respect you, to avoid wasting your valuable time and mental space in relationships that don’t challenge you to grow. Because you deserve the best, regardless of your past or present or future. Because you are worthy no matter what and anyone who is meant to be in your life will agree with me whole heartedly. You will never be enough for the people who aren’t, but you’ll always be enough for the ones that are. Listen to the way people treat you, not judgmental media delivered by people who don’t know the first thing about you.

I am sorry for the lies you have been fed by culture and for the damage they may have done, both to women and men. We can do better and we should do better. You are enough, regardless of the circumstances. You deserve a lifelong, life-giving, safe, and beautiful kind of love.

Love you guys, and as always, come to me with any points or discussions. Have a great week! :)

-Lexi Cummings