How to know if your relationship is worth a life-long investment
11/7/22
Hi :)
Today I want to talk about the nature of choosing a partner, knowing if you’re right or wrong, and knowing when to fight or let go.
This is something that is much easier to get wrong than it is to get right. I have countless friends walking through these decisions in very real ways right now whether it be about re-kindling a past relationship, continuing a current one, or what issues within a relationship are too big to fix. What is a dealbreaker? Are dealbreakers even dealbreakers depending on the situation? When is it worse to try than it is to call it quits?
This is a messy, nuanced topic. I am far from an expert. But, I do have some thoughts. You are welcome to take them with a grain of salt because every situation is very unique!
I am going to list some basic things you should investigate before making a decision about your relationship- old, new, or current. And this is all based under the assumption that your relationship is in NO WAY abusive. And that you’ve been dating for at least several months in an official/exclusive capacity.
Does your partner look outside of your relationship to make a decision about your relationship? Can they take advice with a grain of salt?
Are you asking strangers for advice about your situation? Your best friend, dad, mom, brother, sister? It is extremely normal to talk about your SO with people that matter to you or even people who know little about your situation in a casual way. But when times get tough or you start finding yourself with doubts, you should probably address those things with your partner alongside anyone else in your life that you choose to involve. And this is why: At the end of the day, you and your partner know your relationship better than anyone else does. If you get too caught up in your own perspective and peoples opinions that only exist based off of your opinions, it gets tricky. You get secretive, you get distant. And that isn’t really fair to your partner. And regardless of how you think they will handle your thoughts, it still isn’t an excuse. If they lash out and leave you because you brought up uncomfortable topics, they weren’t the one anyways. Talk to your partner!
This is one of the most fixable issues- it comes down to communication mostly and also a sureness of self. With some team work, trust building, and honesty, you can find a way through this kind of a gap. But if it is an issue that happens over and over again even after it has been addressed openly, you may need to reconsider.
What are the life circumstances surrounding you and your partner? How are they handling it? How are you?
For me, character is the biggest and most important thing I look for in a partner. When times get tough, what do you do? How do you handle it?
Are the issues that effect your relationship a result of your partners personal actions or is it life circumstances surrounding them? Storms happen all of the time. Whether it be addiction, death in the family, health issues, etc. But what I think is extremely important is allowing struggles to grow you instead of stunt you. Trust me, I understand this is MUCH harder said than done. But it’s important for anyone who wants a lifelong relationship to be able to keep fighting for you and for themselves at the same time. And to communicate what they need in the different seasons they find themselves in; someone who is strong enough to admit when they are weak and let you carry a little extra for a while. Someone who can do that same thing for you too.
This might be a bit controversial- but something I am learning recently is that sometimes breaks have to happen. They can foster real moments of growth, clarity, and self awareness. I grew up like I think a lot of us do assuming that any bump big enough to end or pause a relationship meant it was doomed for failure. But after seeing a few friends walk through moments like this along with some mentors who walked through similar things and are now years into successful marriages, I see value there. And I think it is MUCH more common than I ever knew before. No one really talks about their relationship lows! Maybe we should all start to do that more, lol. I don’t have all of the answers and specifics here, but I do wish someone would have told me sooner in life that it is okay to take a reflective pause without it meaning you lost everything you built together. Sometimes that may be the case, but I don’t think it is all the time. It isn’t necessarily ideal, but it doesn’t have to mean either of you failed if one or both of you need some space to figure things out. Just communicate boundaries, time frame, and do your best to stick to them.
Look at how your partner responds to your efforts to grow. Do they notice you going to therapy? Setting stronger boundaries wherever necessary? Working to make your life better? Does it make them more drawn to you? Because if not, you’ll probably never be enough for them. But you’ll be much more than enough for someone else. Many, many people would kill to have a partner who does the hard work to heal and grow. Don’t forget that.
On the contrary, is your partner dealing with their issues? Being honest with themselves? Working on the things they need to work on? That is so important as well. You need someone who can weather any storm with you. Someone who can lean on you and be there for you to lean on in return. Someone who is dedicated and consistent and never makes you doubt their commitment to you.
Ultimately, this is a lot about developing mental strength. If you and your partner are on different pages in this area, you need to figure it out as soon as you realize it. Because this one can become a deal breaker if it isn’t addressed. It is not impossible to work this out by any means as long as both partners are willing.
How do they treat you in private compared to in public?
I have been with men that are extremely attentive to me when I am sick if it’s in private but not as much around groups of friends. And I have also been with the opposite to where they make me feel unsafe in private but act like a hero in public. Point is- consistency speaks volumes. Same thing with affection, thoughtful communication, etc. Care about your partner and love your partner as boldly in public as you do in private and vice versa. If your partner doesn’t match up, you should consider why.
Be willing to communicate this out as well. Sometimes, inconsistent behavior needs to be addressed without instantly assuming it was intentional or your partner is the villain. Remember to approach it with honesty and respect and if you’re the one being approached- listen before you respond and take ownership as well as be more aware next time. If your partner is open to doing better here, awesome. If not, that isn’t a great sign. Truth is, both of you will mess up here. That’s life. It isn’t immediately a red flag unless 1. Your gut tells you it is or 2. It happens very obviously, very often, with no attempt to fix it.
How do they talk about you when you aren’t around? How do they talk to you when you’re there?
Do you feel weird vibes when you see them right after a phone call with their parents or a night out with their friends? Does your partner suddenly care about things they never cared about before like the outfit you wore a few days ago? Etc. The point is- it matters how they speak about you to others and what they allow others to say about you. You can’t be there to hear it being said, so it is something I personally pray about. I ask that God hears the conversations I can’t hear and works to protect me from anyone who is not in my best interest. Trust me- that prayer works. Every time. Lol.
Do they shut you down, belittle you, make you feel small, etc? It doesn’t take emotional abuse to still cause an issue in your relationship. You want to be with someone who thinks the absolute world of you. Someone who beams around you. Someone who couldn’t bare to be the reason you stopped smiling or being joyful. We all have bad days, weeks, even months- but don’t let things like this slide for too long. It builds resentment. And if left unchecked, can be a dealbreaker.
Do they listen to you?
Does your partner constantly tune you out, make you feel like you’re too much? Do they never have the space to engage in conversation with you? One of the biggest things that shook me in a past relationship was this: I had been communicating about random life things to my boyfriend and for months I felt like a burden every time. I stopped talking as much and didn’t really notice the change because it was so gradual. I just figured I was the problem. However, I was around a guy friend one day with some other friends and while I was chatting about things that I liked, enjoyed, my future goals, he spoke something very insightful into the conversation. I realized he was actively listening and spoke more life into me with one simple sentence than my boyfriend had in months. And if you find yourself in a spot like that, it is definitely time for a conversation as to where the disconnect started. Maybe your partner is in a burn out or a weird mental space. Maybe they are losing feelings. Maybe you consistently info dump before you ask how their day was. You don’t know until you address it! Communication is very hard to navigate but it is something that we all have to work on daily to have a healthy, thriving relationship. And sometimes you don’t know is gone until it’s already gone. Are they willing to do the work with you to get back on the same page? To be very honest with you and themselves? If not, the sooner you know the better.
It is inevitable to get into ruts. Especially with something as tedious as communication. But anyone who really truly cares about you will not only listen to you, but let you in to their thoughts as well. They will call you out and let you call them out when one of you falls short.
Listening = Action. If they truly listen to your needs and care, they will adjust any hurtful behaviors to make you feel safe. If tough conversations never produce lasting changes, this is important to take note of.
Also note that everyone will have these tough conversations. For the entire time they are with someone. Lol. It is 1000% normal. But the more you get to know your partners communication styles and needs, it should get easier to navigate for the most part. If it turns into fights and shouts that never resolve the tension, take a few steps back and evaluate. If you communicate well together even when it’s hard, hold on to each other. Lol.
Do they choose you in a thoughtful way?
Be someone who dates with long term intentions. Someone who won’t dare step foot into someone else’s precious life if they have doubts about the person in front of them. Doubts about forever? Sure. That is something that takes a while to be sure of. But doubts about someones character or your compatibility with them? I wouldn’t start from that place.
Obviously, things can change if the person you signed up for is a false representation once you get in a bit deeper. But ideally, you get to know someone by going on dates and being their friend before you consider a serious title in the first place. If someone truly is who they say they are, then you have most of the facts up front. And you have a decent idea on whether or not things have long term potential.
I find it hard to believe that you can judge if someone is “the one” any sooner than 1-2 years in. There are too many layers to pull back, and you need to get through some things with them first (in reference to point 2.) But once you have gathered enough information, experienced some life with them, seen who they are and how they treat you, you can decide.
Many people ask if “the one” actually exists. This sometimes leads them to develop cold feet, think there is a better life out there somewhere else, etc. We all have those thoughts, I know I have. It isn’t an evil thing to wonder about and evaluate from time to time as you get to know someone. I would even say it is healthy and important to do. But at the end of the day, a relationship is exactly what you and your partner choose to make of it. There is plenty of research that proves it is better to be single than with a poor partner but that ultimately, the ideal situation for most everyone is to be in a healthy and thriving relationship- It is stated over and over to enhance your life as a unit but also as individuals. Having a teammate to constantly help you navigate life is the ultimate, even if culture sometimes tells us it isn’t or that it is impossible to find.
I think that there are probably a few people you could connect with and build a beautiful life with. For me, I know there has only ever truly been one person in my life that I connected with on every level. And it felt like it took my literal entire life to find but I am also only 24 haha. In other words- I can’t answer this question with certainty. I don’t have the life experience. So just try to appreciate what is in front of you. Don’t get caught up in too many “what if’s” and “well x and y do this why don’t we” type things. Overall, it isn’t helpful and does more damage than it does good. Don’t overthink it!
Do they support you as an individual? Your dreams? Lift you up and encourage you?
It’s important to have a partner that understands compromise, meeting in the middle, and sacrifice. Is everything always about what they do or where they want to go or when it’s convenient for them to see/not see you? No relationship will EVER work where one partner has much more self interest than they do joint interest.
Is the person you’re with someone who encourages you to keep up with your friends? Go on a girls/guys trip once in a while? Keep yourself in tact while still with them? Maybe your partner has more built in alone time in than you do because of whatever jobs you have! Always make sure to communicate if you need some space or support in this area. The right partner will always give you what you need and encourage the rest!
Do they not only say they support your dreams, but act like they do? As a partner, be someone who does everything in your power to help them move forward in their goals. Connect them to whoever you know who may be instrumental to that. Do they need a doctor or a chiropractor or something? Help them start searching! Are they feeling self doubt about their talents? Lift them up! Did they have time to buy groceries this week? If not and you have an extra second, help them out! If your partner does these things from a genuine place in their heart, literally love them forever lol. If they don’t, you may look back years down the road resentful of the time you missed with friends and the opportunities you didn’t take because they made you feel like you shouldn’t.
Is it hard?
It should be. But the catch is- there is a right and wrong kind of hard. The right kind of hard is two entirely separate individuals working through a million life kinks to build something really beautiful together. A true partnership, as it is also said by many, will be one if not the hardest and most rewarding journey you embark on. It is not for the faint of heart, for the self interested, for those looking for convenience. There are plenty of marriages that last decades with two people that foster no emotional intimacy and keep each other stuck in place. That is the wrong kind of hard. To succeed here is to actively and intentionally set out to beat the odds. If you and your partner are both people who deeply understand the risks, understand what is against you, and are willing to genuinely fight for each other, then hold on to each other. Because if I have learned anything from the years I’ve spent dating, it’s this- when times get tough, it is much easier and can sometimes even make more sense in the moment to give up. But when you are both zoomed in to the picture a little too close, remember to take a step back and evaluate with a birds eye before you give up.
Don’t settle for something easy or convenient. Choose someone who challenges you, respects you, holds you accountable, believes in all that you can become. Be with someone who wants to grow with you.
That’s all I have for you today! To my friends who are making tough decisions right now, as I know I have several, I love you and I see you. We all deserve partners that see our value and are willing to make a way, even when it feels impossible. Otherwise, be comforted knowing that God has a plan in store for us and a partner who will honor our hearts and lead us towards His purposes and Kingdom. I will end by saying to feel big feelings, communicate your heart, and fight for each other. We have to constantly battle our minds, the world around us, and the forces that we can’t see. Lifelong commitments are mini-miracles, so don’t be afraid to give it your absolute all. If it doesn’t work out, make sure you’re walking away with every stone unturned. Walk away with no regrets.
I will see you next time! :)
-Lexi Cummings
PC: Angelea Yoder