Why do people choose to stay in their dysfunction?
1/11/23
Why do people choose to stay in their dysfunction?
This is something that has really been on my heart recently and a journey I’ve been personally going through. Let me explain…
A few years ago, I found myself on the other side of some life events that revealed a few things to me:
I didn’t know how to identify my feelings or my needs. I couldn’t do this in general, but it was especially highlighted with a romantic partner.
I was only comfortable being with someone who was a project. That way, I could completely set myself aside in “service” of the other person. I would figure out the mold they wanted me to fit into and do that times 10. I knew who I was supposed to be and so I was that instead of who I actually was.
I was completely okay with this. My goal was to be everything to everybody. I was the perfect daughter, sister, girlfriend, student. I was carrying the load of being what everyone else wanted all of the time. And to be honest? I was incredible at it lol. I had been perfecting it my entire life. And it felt like the only way I could ever be loved and accepted.
I didn’t speak up for myself. I tolerated a lot of disrespect. I accepted a lot of insincere apologies. I did my best to be the flattest mat on the floor for everyone. I never wanted conflicts so I wrestled a lot of things down and kept them to myself. I wanted to stay out of the way.
I kept myself busy 24/7 seven days a week. I suspected I had some learning disabilities at this point, but I didn’t pursue any diagnostic or treatment options. I just kept filling my life up to the brim because I couldn’t stand myself sitting still.
I not only wanted to be what everyone wanted me to be, I wanted to be indispensable. If I was dating someone, I wanted to be so instrumental to their lifestyle that they would be too disrupted by breaking up with me to actually ever do it. This looked like doing their homework, getting the stains out of their white shirt, making their bed, organizing their room, cooking them food, analyzing every inch of their life and what they could possibly ever need and making it happen. I thought that this would make me valuable. It was also manipulative underneath the surface. It stemmed from my fear of being abandoned. I did whatever I could to avoid that, thinking that I had any control over what other people do. Lol.
This is a BRIEF summary… Lol. I may dig more in to all of my dysfunction later on. We will see. 😂
I mention all of this to say that I was setting myself up for lots of issues in the future by being that person. It was how I survived a lot of things and it kept me safe in a lot of ways, but the older I got, the more I could see that there was this girl inside of me screaming and trying to claw her way to the surface. I’d been stuffing her down for so long hoping that one day she’d just suffocate and go away. But, by the start of 2020, so many things broke down and shattered around me that I had no choice but to look in the mirror.
At that point, I started going to therapy. I’ve been with the same therapist ever since and I will probably continue to see her weekly for the indefinite future. Haha. But do you know what happened when I started trying to rebuild my life? More of it kept falling apart. I was suddenly much worse off than the horrible season that prompted me to change in the first place.
My health collapsed after graduating college. My gallbladder was failing and had to be removed. My endometriosis had me doubled over for months in the type of pain that makes you wish you were dead instead of living through it. And then came the biggest POTS flare up of my entire life right on top of a new romantic relationship entering the picture.
All throughout these past two years, I felt like I was fighting for my life. I was learning how to set boundaries and how to do loving things for other people just because I love them instead of to soothe my fear of abandonment. I was learning how to work through my fearful avoidant attachment style so that I could have a secure and healthy relationship. I was going to doctor after doctor and having test after test. I was googling and researching and tik toking my way to diagnosing all of the things I’d been suffering with. I was learning what a relationship with genuine love actually could look like. I was learning that genuine love has the potential to hurt you much worse than dysfunctional love.
There have been many, many moments where I didn’t know if I’d make it through. Many moments where I couldn’t see a way out and I didn’t think I ever would. I spent so much time wondering why I existed, what the point of existing was when I was such a burden to the people who tried to love me. I could barely take care of myself because I was so sick. My singing voice wasn’t what it used to be. Nothing about my life made sense anymore. And it all happened when I decided I was going to heal.
So, why would someone choose to stay in their dysfunction? Because it is comfortable. Because even if it isn’t actually safe, it feels safe. Because you think you deserve it. Because it’s all you’ve ever known. Because to move forward, you’ll lose lots of people and have to completely rebuild relationships with the people who do stay. Because to make progress, you’re going to have to open your heart up in a genuine way. And what happens when you do that? You open yourself up to depth; the depth of real, deep, genuine feelings. And when you’re someone who is used to sitting on the surface, depth feels like dying. Whether it’s happy or sad. It’s overwhelming and cruel and uncomfortable. It’s hideous and you hate yourself for not feeling in control anymore. But the thing is- that’s what real life is. It’s messy and unpredictable and beautiful and chaotic and earth shattering and magical and miserable. It’s a lot of extremes. And it takes a lot of bravery to face and live through.
For me, I’ve often questioned if all the steps forward that I’ve taken are worth it. I’ve experienced more pain and joy in the last two years than I ever knew to be possible. But at the end of the day, I feel extremely humbled. I have discovered that people will only do the work when they are ready to. You can’t convince anyone to heal. You can’t convince anyone to change their life. And if they never do? I understand why and I’m prepared to love them right where they are. Even when that means loving from a distance.
I have had every ounce of critical and judgmental ripped out of me, lol. To know what it’s like to change your entire life and live to see the other side gives you obscene amounts of grace for everyone around you.
If you’re reading this grieving someone who will not change, I have felt this same grief. I feel it for people I love and for the past me who accepted things she never should have. I understand how much it hurts from both sides. It is much easier to look at someone you love and see the life they could be living than it is for that person to see it themselves.
I ask that we all learn to love each other a little better. That before we assume we know why someone accepts a certain behavior or acts a certain way, that we take a pause. It’s much easier to stay in dysfunction than it is to leave it. Is it worth it to get out? Yes. But if I hadn’t had financial support from my family, I’d still be exactly where I was if not worse off. My health has only just turned a corner in these last few months. My heart has only become lighter and fuller and more purpose driven in these last few weeks.
Growth feels impossible until you’re on the other side. If you choose to take that journey, know I see you and I am here for you. You’re braver than even you know and I’m so proud of you. And if you’re not ready yet, I will be praying that the means to get there appear and that you gain the strength to take those steps. But regardless, know you’re worthy and you’re loved. ❤️
Have a beautiful week friends,
-Lexi
