Things I am insecure about
Hello everyone!
I have been having some really incredible moments as of recent, but also wrestling with some old wounds that have resurfaced. I am one of those people who tends to intellectualize their feelings rather than just feeling them. My first instinct isn’t to validate my unhelpful thoughts, but to shut them down or hit auto-correct. Which doesn’t allow them to be and pass through the way that they are supposed to. I also don’t learn much in the process.
Throughout the last several years of my life, I’ve discovered that knowing all of the right answers in my head doesn’t free me from my humanity. And I’ve also discovered that being honest opens the door for connection, for authenticity, and for helping others feel less alone. With that, I am going to toss out some of the places in me that I doubt. Things about me that I struggle with. Lies that run around in my head. And I do this not to state them as fact, but to reveal more of my imperfect state. As an enneagram one, this is deeply against my core which makes it even more important to do. Lol. So, here goes!
I feel like a burden. Even before I struggled with my health, I always wanted to be the lowest maintenance person in the room but never was. I couldn’t walk into weekly chapel without being attached to my second grade teachers hip. I couldn’t stay at sleepovers without an emotional meltdown and having my parents come get me. I had anxiety attacks often, I was afraid of everything. I struggled with learning and I never asked all of the questions that I really needed to. And by 7th grade, I started having pain. It felt like just as I got a grip on my mind, my body started failing. And now? I often wonder who would even want to be a part of my life if they didn’t come in before things got really hard health-wise in 2020. I don’t always view myself as worth the sacrifices that come with being close to me.
I am insecure about my body. My ears stick out to the side a little more than I’d like them to. My neck has a small Dowager’s hump and so I don’t like wearing my hair up or clothes that highlight it. The pores on my face get clogged. I had hair removal on several parts of my body because my hair was thick/dark and shaving every day caused POTS flare ups. 😂 My stomach has never been flat, I don’t think it is ever supposed to be entirely. I’ve gained weight since I got sick and these last few weeks are the first time in a while that I’ve really recognized my face again. I never knew how disorienting it could be to see tissue in places that I wasn’t used to seeing it. That and a million other little things.
I am insecure about my financial/employment situation. I tried working several jobs and utterly burned out within a few months at each. I started a candle business and realized it was still distracting me from what I’ve always really wanted to do - music. But to do music with the body that I live in, I have to accept help. I can’t be the normal 20 something working a few jobs and hustling in the music scene at the same time. Essentially, my parents help support me. I do candles when it pops up and some other virtual work, but that is all I have the capacity for physically and mentally. Which definitely layers into my feeling like a burden, but it is also embarrassing. I feel like a failure when I want to feel grateful for having a family who believes in me and loves me enough to support me. And for the fact that they even have the means to do so. I’ve never taken it for granted and I never will, but there is such a deep burning within me to not let them down and it can feel crushing sometimes.
I don’t feel talented enough to deserve a space in the music industry. Nashville is intimidating! I didn’t grow up here and I didn’t grow up with any serious feedback on my production, writing, singing, or instrumental skills until I started college at 18. I just always feel a bit behind now. I feel like I am already too old to make it. And with COVID highjacking my graduation (lol), I feel like I am not where I hoped I’d be by now. I’ve made some very talented friends in the industry, but never felt like I belonged. It is SO HARD to not feel like an imposter a lot of the time.
I feel hard to love. I feel like I am boring and very easy to leave. I feel like I don’t make much of an impact anywhere that I go. I feel like a dead weight that drags down anyone close to me. And it isn’t that I don’t believe in my ability to love well, but more so that regardless of how I love people, the negatives surrounding me outweigh even my best efforts.
I am insecure about my family. Sure, lots of kids go through divorce. Lots of kids have an imperfect life at home. But it isn’t very appealing to potential partners to have a broken family unit. What does that mean for holidays? Future children? What if they have a strong family unit and I don’t? How do I strike the right balance? It all feels like a lot and it’s scary. It makes me feel like I am broken into two halves. Like I can never be the full package even if my character is quality.
I could go on, but I think that is enough to support my goal here today. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried typing out your worst fears and insecurities, but I dare you to if not. Because you’ll read them back and see how irrational they really are. If not at first, you will with time. I am someone who once read a list like this back and felt defeated without challenging it at all. So now? I answer myself. I make a counter argument for everything I write down. I suggest that you do the same until one day, you see for a fact that none of those things are defining or true. We all have imperfect thoughts and baggage and sadness and messes in our lives. But we are no less worthy of unconditional love or a good life because of it.
My biggest goal in these last few years was to open up my heart and gain corrective experiences. Unfortunately, opening up a heart means you may get some of those, but you might also get crushed harder than you ever knew possible.
Do I regret opening the doors that opened these wounds? Sure, I do at times. But not at the end of the day. God has taught me more lessons than I have words for and spoken into every broken place within me. I’ve started to let my thoughts come, I’ve started to validate the source of pain that they come from, and I’ve started to allow God in to heal them. This doesn’t mean that in a few months/years another storm won’t sweep in, but it means I have a God who makes me resilient. I have a God who can tackle any challenge, any hurt and always win. I just have to continue allowing Him to work within me.
The more I am honest with myself, the more God gets to speak, the more I get to grieve, and the more I get to heal. Faith is really hard, but I choose to believe that I am beautiful as I am. I choose to believe that one day, I will have abundance in my finances and resources. I choose to believe that my distinct voice and message deserves space within the music industry. I choose to believe that if there is a partner out there for me, that he will love me in my high and low moments just the same and make me feel safe forever. I choose to believe that my friends and family are for me unless proven otherwise. I choose to believe that there is healing for my family. I choose to believe that I am not loved solely for what I have to offer, but for who I am inside. I’m not a burden.
I’ve put so much work into myself and sometimes it’s hard to feel it. But even if I hadn’t, I would still be just as worthy in God’s eyes. Does He seek for us all to grow? Yes, because a life centered in our true identity is much better to live. But at every twist and turn of the way towards that life, we are loved just the same. And the right people/opportunities will come and go as is needed to mold us. We aren’t defined by our circumstances and insecurities, but by the One who calls us royalty and knows every inch of our being.
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for sticking with me. You all give me LIFE and I hope that I offer some value to you as well. :) I’m here for you and my dm’s are always open for further conversation.
Happy Tuesday,
Lexi Cummings