It’s Not About Your Performance
It’s Not About Your Performance
12/25/19
Hi there,
I didn’t realize how daunting it would get to keep up with these after a few months… It is scary to keep searching for the best thing to focus on each week, especially if I don’t feel like I am up to par with myself and whatever expectations I have for my words. But I am pushing onward!
So this week, I’ve found myself in a frenzy that I am unfortunately familiar with anymore- angst at the future. I have a million thoughts constantly buzzing through my mind as to the next steps I can take towards my future, what I want it to be, how to be proactive and ambitious without driving myself to insanity. I wonder if I am cut out for my relationships, what I am looking for in myself and in others, how I would handle various curveballs that I make up scenarios for in my mind.
If you can’t tell, I struggle with anxiety. Haha. Not funny, actually. But I try to laugh it off when I talk about it in myself because it makes me feel a little better.
I just worry and worry and worry. I haven’t climbed into my bed in the evening without my heart racing out of my chest and little sleep for a long while now. I go on walks and try to process everything and find myself having to shut it all out and just breathe. I talk to God a lot when I do things like that. Even just today, I was walking around my neighborhood praying things like, “God, don’t choose me. Whatever you have set in store for my future, please pass it on to someone else who can glorify you better than I can…”
I doubt my ability to perform. And while I like to think I don’t base my happiness on my performance in the eyes of others, even though I fall into that more than I’d like, I sure do base my happiness on how I think God judges my performance. Even though I know He loves me and has used situations and people much more twisted than mine to achieve His will, I still make it about me.
I place the pressure of my life’s outcome on my performance. Not on God’s great ability to do works through me near regardless of anything I do or don’t do. I can do a subpar job or even try to run away, but if God could send Jonah to his destiny inside the belly of a whale, there is no way on earth little Lexi over here is going to miss her destiny when she is in tune to it. Whether she believes in herself to do it well or not. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter because I am a human and none of us achieve perfection or anything close to it.
So I encourage my friends, all ages and stages and places, do yourself a favor and release the pressure… It isn’t our weight to carry. And as soon as I learn that in the depths of my heart, my soul will be much more free. As will yours if you resonate with this struggle.
To my fellow angsty friends: We may never be able to rid ourselves of the social intelligence that spurs our advanced planning, mock scenario making, fight or flight preparations, or overthinking minds. But we can choose to surrender our worry to God. And, regardless of the suffering, we can thank God for a mind with as much intricacy as ours. We have so much love, thoughtfulness, selflessness, and care for our world. It is half of our problem. And, at least for me, I think there are much worse problems you could have.
I wish all of you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. And if you celebrate differently than I do, I wish you joy, peace, and a spirit of kindness in this season.
Thanks to all of you again for your continued support, for sharing my blogs with your friends, and for coming back each week. You all help me to make sense of my restless mind by allowing me a constructive outlet each week where I can take my experiences and create encouragement. I appreciate each one of you!
See you next Sunday,
Lexi Cummings
