1. A Reminder For Those Struggling With Love
Hi there!
I have missed y’all so much! I appreciate the love you’ve given to my short story from last Sunday but I also know that my blog is normally more of a direct conversation from me to you. So while it was fun to diverge for a moment, I wanted to write specifically to YOU! Whoever might be reading this right now. :)
I choose to write these weekly so that you guys get an accurate picture of my heart and where I find myself as well as where I find that you all are. That comes with its challenges for sure- I don’t write ahead and that means when life throws me a curveball, you guys don’t get new content. But I am back again and I will always keep showing up, even if a few weeks slip past me every so often.
I’ve discovered that a bunch of my friends are stumped in one the same areas as of recent. Not to mention the reaction I got to my last blog series about dating. And thus, I’ve decided to dig deeper into relationships!
I am starting a five-part series:
A Reminder For Those Struggling With Love
What Makes a Woman Wife Material
What Makes a Man Husband Material
How To Thrive in Singleness
What I’ve Learned From My Journey With Love!
Let’s get started!
Love, love, love… I will be the first to admit that I have been burned multiple times in this area. I tend to find myself attracting people who are hurting. So, as you can imagine, I am traveling down a broken path at this point like most all of us are.
In almost every situation, I told God that my will was above His. I let people in that I knew in the back of my mind I shouldn’t be with. God kept screaming “There is more for you, just trust in my timing!” and I kept replying with a resounding “NO!!!” and doing whatever I wanted to do, pursuing whoever I thought was right for me at that time. I would say I was pursuing potential more so than actual people, letting the empath in me run rampant and unchecked. And somehow, I was extremely guarded at the same time. That ended up looking like this: Whoever put in the initial effort to take down my walls could basically get away with murder once inside. It seemed like the guys with the most problems and nothing else to lose were always willing to take up that challenge, which was not great for me. Lol.
Does this sound like you, too? Or are you someone who got burned one good time and never opened yourself up again? Are you someone who has never truly let someone in before at all? Are you someone who is in a longterm relationship that has grown stale or seems bound for failure?
Ultimately, we all end up in the same boat to a certain extent. Here is a fun link for you if you like graphs about the rate of marriages being at a record low.
Interesting stuff for sure and we aren’t even looking at the divorce rate... 😅 With the pandemic and tensions being high across the board on multiple levels, I have heard story after story of couples breaking up, getting together, getting engaged, getting married, getting pregnant, getting divorced. You hear them all of the time if you start listening!
Regardless of 2020, love is hard in general. And while some people end up in long-term relationships or even married with families, the number of truly happy and stable couples is very far and few between. In fact, I would say that a lot of people have never even had an example of what a good relationship looks like to learn from. A lot of families never existed to begin with, some split early on in the life of their children, some should have ended but never did, some split the moment the kids took off to college.
In general, our ideas about love and relationship are hideously skewed. I consumed shows, books, and movies just as much as the next kid growing up. I had no idea just how harmful it was until I found myself in real-life situations where the things that media made seem casual and normal only left me with more brokenness than I had beforehand. Things like angry outbursts being portrayed as passion, love-bombing being portrayed as romantic, such and so on.
You might be asking where the encouraging part of my blog is because at this point, the topic seems pretty hopeless. I am likely not qualified to tell you there is a plus side while I am still single, but I am going to do it anyways!
Love is about faith, effort, and service. Do you believe that you are capable of being a good partner? Are you openminded, slow to anger, forgiving, humble, honest? Do you practice love towards your family members and friends? Do you prepare your own heart for the potential of being a lifelong partner? Here is one of my most favorite verses in the Bible:
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
With this, I will point out what I hope is the biggest takeaway of this post: Love is the root of all things. Nothing exists without love. The world begins with love and it will end with love. And ultimately, love isn’t the glorified and light-hearted concept we make it out to be. So what is it actually?
There is another verse in the Bible which speaks to how love covers a multitude of sins in 1 Peter 4. But does that mean it’s not okay to be angry or to challenge what people are doing?
Here is a scenario for you: If your loved one was telling you that they were going to jump off of a cliff tomorrow, would you say “I support you doing what is best for you! You are absolutely doing the right thing and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise!”
Nope. You wouldn’t say that. So if you think that love can truly be love without the ability for you and your partner to call each other out when one is heading down a destructive path or to say the things that are hard to say, you are mistaken. If you think love can expire when you stop feeling “happy” or “satisfied” you are also wrong. Your heart is in the wrong posture. And this applies to all of your relationships!
So ask yourself this: If you are someone who is struggling to find love or to re-kindle it, how do you love yourself and how do you love them? Do you love enough to be honest, to be second, to honor your commitments? If you can’t love yourself in the way that you want to love someone else, you will end up either with the wrong people or hurting the right ones. If you don’t have personal discipline, what makes you think you can be reliable to someone else? If you can’t forgive yourself for the past, how can you forgive your partner? If you can’t be honest with yourself about the areas you need to grow, what makes you think you have the right to preach at someone else? If you can first love yourself in the way that you want to love, you will make a great partner.
This doesn’t mean you must be perfect AT ALL so don’t hear that. And this doesn’t mean that people can’t change down the road and leave you even when you do right by them. There are never any guarantees- you are only half of the commitment and that is all you can honor. What this does mean is that love is not worth having at all unless it is truly love.
The person you choose to be with will shape you in every aspect and that implies a great weight on who you devote yourself to. I think that love should be all or nothing because you will miss so much if you settle; both personally and communally. Be with someone who challenges you to grow or don’t be with anyone at all.
Yes, the pool is much smaller when you keep high standards. Yes, you will get discouraged sometimes and fall for someone who does not honor you or embody the traits you need longterm. You will mess up, you will fall short, you will hurt and be hurt. But love is worth the mess it takes to find it. You will feel like you are striking out constantly but that is because you are looking for one singular human being in a sea of many. Every trial and heartbreak will further equip you for the person you were created for. So be patient!
Men, pursue with honor and patience. Don’t be confusing about your intentions, but don’t rush to be with a girl who hasn’t done the work to know you as well. Be with a girl who remembers the little things about you, who asks you the deeper questions, who shows up, who makes you feel safe. Women, let him find you. If there is a man you have your eyes on, place yourself around him a few times and see if he reciprocates! If he does not or if he plays games with your heart, move along. And ultimately, on either side of the coin, TRUST YOUR GUT.
Here are some final reminders:
Love is beautiful and it is healing.
Love is not true without testing, so don’t be afraid to guard your heart during that process.
If love doesn’t add more to your life than it takes away, it is not actually love.
Be cautious with your heart but don’t close it off.
Don’t try to be perfect but don’t stop growing either.
The people and things that are meant for you will find you- so don’t just wait around for them and hope it works out, PREPARE FOR THEM! Pray for them, think of them, anticipate them. Because they will enrich your life that much more when you do! Never live stagnant- live with purpose. Whether it comes to love or anything else. Otherwise, life will not be as fulfilling and marvelous as it should be.
Love you all, I will see you for part 2 next week. :)
Happy Sunday,
-Lexi Cummings
PHOTO CREDITS: Ines Lopez